Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Now what?

That first moment after its out, really out and you know exposing this secret will change your life now that its been exposed. You breathe, you second guess your decision to tell, you even think about going back and covering it up with another one of your old lies. Your heart is pounding, your palms sweaty and your voice seems weak. Then it you just lose it as your emotions let go. You are now filled with tears, anger, and fear. Your legs can't seem to hold your weight, while sitting seems unbearable with the emotions running wild inside of you. There was a reason you kept this a secret so long, right? You know this is going to hurt, but could it possibly hurt worse then what has been happening? You finally give in to your body's screams to sleep in hopes that when you awake it will have all disappeared.  You awake and now it seems that more people know and more people are staring. You feel shame, guilt and the most exposed you have ever felt. You wonder what they are thinking and what their emotions are hiding behind their sympathetic stares. The looks in their eyes feels like judgement, which causes guilt to rapidly grow in you. All the lies your abuser told you suddenly seem true, that no one will believe you, you wanted it. Then full panic sets in as you realize he is going to find out everything you say. More panic sets in as people start talking to you and asking detailed questions. The questions you mastered at suppressing and hiding from others. You have never felt so tired or alone, yet, you are surrounded by so many people.

Breathe, you did the right thing. You showed great courage and strength. The looks you are getting are heart break for what you have endured. The judgement you feel in the room is what they feel towards themselves for not knowing and speaking up for an innocent child that is in you. It’s true, your abuser will know most of what you say in the beginning, don't let him silence you any longer. You need to know,  it scares him to be exposed and maybe a part of you still doesn't want to hurt him, that is okay and normal, because he groomed you to feel that way. The feeling of loyalty and betrayal are very real and powerful in the beginning. Loyalty to your abuser? I know you are thinking, 'that doesn't seem natural or right, it couldn't have been so bad or wrong if I find myself wanting to protect him, right? You couldn't be more wrong, your abuser created a way into your heart and mind so that he could grow a false sense of normalcy between you two. If you find yourself with a strong sense of love and loyalty towards him, remember pedophiles have a P.H.D in manipulation and grooming. It will take time for your brain and heart to fall on the same page, but have full trust that it will happen. Give yourself time and trust who you are becoming. The person that is inside of you is amazing and full of endless potential. that is why he tried to silence you for so long. You are powerful beyond your imagination. You will change this world, I know you probably can’t see that just yet, but trust me you will. You were not created for someone else's use, don't believe that lie for a moment. You were created to impact this world, to change it for the better. Your worth and strength.