Thursday, May 1, 2014

The blame is never yours

You want to know one of the things that held me back for the longest time? SHAME! This dirty, horrible lie stole so much, clouded my vision and held me captive. I mean really how could someone be sexually abused until they are nineteen years old? I asked myself that question many times before. After a certain age was it no longer considered rape and just considered consensual between two adults? It seems logical that at a certain point if you’re not being held captive you would just walk away. That is where the lie ends and truth had to be replaced, because, can we use logic with years of abuse simultaneously together? But, what if you were trained to believe it was love, and grew up knowing nothing different and often being so intoxicated which would lead only to more confusion, so you wake in the morning only to question yourself and the people around you, but only in the solitaire of your mind. Or what if the person abusing you was deliberate in taking the blame from himself and placing it on others, held a master in confusion and was skilled in manipulation of everyone and thing in his life.

Even though I am filled with all this knowledge I use to become nervous or ashamed to share that my abuse took place for me until I was nineteen years old. It’s true that I could have left, I could have walked away, I was never held against my will. My brain, heart and being were so wrapped up in believing the lies, his lies that I didn’t know up from down or left from right. My heart and mind were so lost and my self worth was non existing. He had filled a void in my life that I desperately longed for and he knew it.

 Yes, I was sexually abused until I was nineteen year old. It was never consensual and I was under his power from a very tiny and innocent age. He had a long time to build that false trust between him and I and to scatter confusion constantly along the way. He was always in the wrong and myself and all his other victims were always his victims, age never changed that. So if you were a victim of on going abuse, remember it was never your fault. Put the blame back where it belongs and let your heavy burdens become a little bit less today. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ~ Matthew 11:28