Confidential?

During the trial to my abuser my therapist at the time, accidentally faxed my complete file from her office to his attorney. Every note, all the words I said along with the private details of how I was truly handling everything were all sent for him to read. I never found out if they were read or not by him but the thought at the time paralyzed me in fear and shame. I couldn’t bare the thought of him reading it or for that matter that anyone was reading such a private thing and now it was out and potentially in his hands. 

At the time I was still under his control, I still didn’t want to let him down and my heart was not ready to believe what my brain already knew, that his love always had an ulterior motive. His caring was just a tool for manipulation and I still wanted to blame other people for the pain he had caused because accepting him for who he truly was would take time. The idea that my heart, which had just started to be honest and real was exposed for him and others to read was nothing less than HEARTBREAKING! 

It has been eleven years this past October since the trial and when my heart, my fears and own guilt were exposed in that fax. I know I will probably never get a chance to sit down and talk with my abuser face to face in order to share my heart and to extend my forgiveness to him and that is something I have come to terms with. Staying silent in order to not upset, stir or move peoples emotions can be so tempting and easy especially for me at times. Even today I have no desire to hurt or cause pain to my abuser and never have. My heart eleven years ago was unhealthy and my motive for not wanting my story or words shared was due to fear and an unhealed broken heart. Today, I try to openly share my story and encourage others to share their truth because of the healing that comes from it. Secrets have power and when we stay silent we are keeping another persons lie and allowing it to have truth. My voice still shakes and my heart still races at times when sharing my past with people but just Imagine if sharing your deepest hurts could keep anther person from experiencing the same unimaginable pain. Or, your story could educate just one parent, teacher or care giver of the silent epidemic of childhood sexual abuse in order for them to stop it in the life of just one child. What if? How amazing would that be? Your words being able to stop a child from enduring the hell you were forced to endure. We need to remember that darkness can’t survive when light is present and secrets exposed are forced to shine a light on the truth. Our stories, all of them when shared could change this world or at least the life of one but isn’t that one worth it? 

Being authentic

Being authentic can be a challenge when you have spent most of your life playing pretend. Do you ever feel like this? I know most of my life I was playing pretend and I hear the same thing often from other abuse survivors. For me, to be transparent and authentic can still at times be challenging. However, I desire to be 100% real and transparent with my emotions, my past and my day to day life.  I know for me it is so much easier to be open and share my heart with another person that is transparent, real and shows vulnerability. People that are transparent tend to have a much more inviting personality when they show their vulnerabilities.  Let me ask you a question, have you ever been around someone that's being transparent and vulnerable with sharing their struggles and pain? Now, after they are finished do you ever think, wow,  this person is weak and full of drama or do you ever find yourself laughing at their vulnerability. I am sure the answer to all the above questions would be of course not. Its so much easier to love and extend grace to people that are vulnerable. I can't expect to follow my heart of helping other people in finding their worth or to speak truth into other peoples lives, if I myself still walk in lies. Now don't get me wrong I am a million miles further than where I first started. Writing The Ticket for me was huge in the process of being more transparent.  Also, this blog which is often my thoughts and feeling of what is currently on my heart. It can be scary to put your heart and emotion out for people to read. I often talk about my past with being sexually abuse and the long healing journey that has came with it. I know that the writings I put on here anyone can read, including the man that caused all the pain to begin with. That has at times made me question what I should or shouldn't write on here but than I still wouldn't be allowing myself to be authentic. I challenge you this week, to be vulnerable, to say what you really feel while letting people into your life, even the messy parts. You might be surprised at the love and grace you receive and you never know it might just be the very thing that has been holding you back.