Sharing my past with my daughter

When I started writing The Ticket, my oldest child which just so happens to be my daughter and my mini-me, would frequently ask me why I wrote a book about such a sad thing. The usual response was, “My heart is very heavy for children that have been hurt deeply by adults in their life.”  That sentence seemed to hold off the inevitable conversation.The conversation I had always told myself she was just to young to know, but the truth is, I was just not ready to share that part of myself with this perfectly intact little girl. 

In our home, it’s a normal conversation for us to talk about modesty, the sacredness of their little bodies, and the appropriate behavior of trusted and non trusted adults. My children are comfortable with using correct body part names and talking about their bodies and what they feel is appropriate. I have never shied away from educating them in healthy and age appropriate ways about their own bodies. Even still, I knew this conversation would be different, it wasn’t just telling her there are some bad people in this world that hurt children, it would be telling her that one of these bad people not only is real, but existed in our own family and that he hurt her mom in horrible ways. I struggled with wanting to keep her young longer and not having to bring her into the sadness that does exist in this world.

This past week, I was writing in my office, when my daughter came in to see what I was doing. While sitting next to me she asked me what I was writing about. I told her, “I am writing about the courage and strength that a lot of amazing people have.”  Suddenly, I knew it was coming. I could see it in her eyes, the question that my heart knew was time to talk about with her. She asked me a similar question to what she has asked before, but this time I responded with “I write about this topic because I was one of these children.” I looked calm and spoke softly but my heart was racing. I thought telling her would be nearly as hard as talking about it had been when my abuse was first exposed. My daughter’s first response was asking me if it hurt? I told her that it hurt my heart much worse than it hurt my body, but yes, it did hurt. She asked a few more simple questions that I was able to answer, then she went on her way. A few hours later as I was cooking dinner she walked into the kitchen, hugged me and said, “I am sorry that happened to you." I responded with, “me too”, and then she was off playing again.

That was it, it was all she needed to know and all I needed to hear. The simple words that she spoke meant so much to me. I also realized telling her wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. She is an amazing young lady and I am so blessed to be her mom.

Being authentic

Being authentic can be a challenge when you have spent most of your life playing pretend. Do you ever feel like this? I know most of my life I was playing pretend and I hear the same thing often from other abuse survivors. For me, to be transparent and authentic can still at times be challenging. However, I desire to be 100% real and transparent with my emotions, my past and my day to day life.  I know for me it is so much easier to be open and share my heart with another person that is transparent, real and shows vulnerability. People that are transparent tend to have a much more inviting personality when they show their vulnerabilities.  Let me ask you a question, have you ever been around someone that's being transparent and vulnerable with sharing their struggles and pain? Now, after they are finished do you ever think, wow,  this person is weak and full of drama or do you ever find yourself laughing at their vulnerability. I am sure the answer to all the above questions would be of course not. Its so much easier to love and extend grace to people that are vulnerable. I can't expect to follow my heart of helping other people in finding their worth or to speak truth into other peoples lives, if I myself still walk in lies. Now don't get me wrong I am a million miles further than where I first started. Writing The Ticket for me was huge in the process of being more transparent.  Also, this blog which is often my thoughts and feeling of what is currently on my heart. It can be scary to put your heart and emotion out for people to read. I often talk about my past with being sexually abuse and the long healing journey that has came with it. I know that the writings I put on here anyone can read, including the man that caused all the pain to begin with. That has at times made me question what I should or shouldn't write on here but than I still wouldn't be allowing myself to be authentic. I challenge you this week, to be vulnerable, to say what you really feel while letting people into your life, even the messy parts. You might be surprised at the love and grace you receive and you never know it might just be the very thing that has been holding you back.

You can change the world by helping a child

There are a lot of broken adults walking around today from the abuse they suffered as a child in silence. If we do not become a society that is a safer place to release these secrets, there will be many more broken adults to come. We need to learn to see the red flags, the broken spirits, the lingering affects and scars that so many children are walking around with today.  If we start helping the broken and voiceless children today, we will see hope and health in them tomorrow. It does't take a super hero to be this person. This person is YOU, the teacher, the coach, the church family, the neighbor, the nurse, YOU. We all need to start seeing and believing that childhood sexual abuse is real and that we at this vary moment already know a child or even more, that is currently being sexually abused. Stop and absorb that truth. If you know more then 6 children, statistically then, you already know a child right now that is being sexually abused. Will you be their ticket out? Will you see the signs? This child that is being abused, doesn't have a red sign around their neck but we were all born with a intuition, that gut feeling, the one we turn off and sometimes ignore, don't. We need to see with our eyes more and listen to our hearts more. Imagine a neighborhood, a school, a church, a city, all full of heroes being a voice for the voiceless. This is possible and something that is tangible and in reach. I believe it, do you? 

Hospice, Sexual Abuse and the Survivors last days.

"Guest post written by a Hospice Care Giver which happens to be a very close friend. Her stories bring to light how long people carry the hurt and burdens of Childhood Sexual Abuse."

I have been blessed with the unique privilege of helping care for terminally ill patients in their last weeks of life.  I'm a hospice care giver and I LOVE my job!! I am always grateful to my patients and their families for allowing me to be a part of one of the most intimate experiences they will go through.  When they are admitted to our facility, we are complete strangers to each other, but very quickly we are thrust in to circumstances that don't allow for getting to know yous or trust building.  There have been many things that have surprised me in the 3 years that I've been doing this.  These surprises range from the resolve and courage that the patients exude, to the how the amount of peace a patient has found will translate to the way their final days will go. 

The patients I care for come from all walks of life, all types of experiences, and have all types of histories.  When a patient has a history of abuse, even if they have found closure, healing, and forgiveness, it inevitably creeps back up when they are on their death bed.  Abuse, physical or sexual, impacts a patient's ability to let a caregiver actually care for them.  Bathing, repositioning, not to mention other medically required procedures, all become moments filled with anxiety, and sometimes fear.  I have had women, after years of therapy, happy marriages, and positive experiences as a mother, become focused on their history of abuse.  At times, It will consume their thoughts and conversations and if they have not been able to forgive their abuser, that plagues them as well.  I have had some who tremble in fear when we need to bathe them or dress them. 

Abusers probably don't care how much of an impact their actions have on their victims; their inappropriate acts linger far beyond therapy sessions, years of healing, or years of perfecting the art of disassociation.  An abuser's acts will surface at a time when a patient must face all that has occurred in their life and come to terms with it.  An abuser's acts will sometimes be part of the last thing a patient speaks or expresses to family members. An abuser's acts will invoke fear in an adult who may have thought they put those emotions, those nightmares behind them. 

The impact of abuse is far reaching and sometimes in ways that we would least expect.  Three years later, I still encounter situations where my patient is robbed of their peace and their right to pass away surrounded by only good memories because of what an abuser did in their past. 

Lets all become unstoppable

The biggest lie we have told ourselves and many of us have lived out in believing, is that we have limited our  potential and diminished who we know we truly are. We all have that inner dream, calling, and passion. I know I always did, but I diminished my potential and passions out of fear. I have slowly come to realize that we can't be afraid of what some might think, because they will throw judgement at us regardless if thats their heart. We all have walked through a road and journey that is unique and customized to us. We all have gifts, talents, and what a injustice we are doing to this world if we are not authentic with what we have been given. We were created to impact the world! Do we truly believe that? The world? You are so unique that no one else can do what you were placed here to do. Follow what you are passionate about, it was placed there for a reason. You  will get the most fulfillment by pursuing that calling! Can you imagine a world of people all following their hearts and callings? Powerful! Unstoppable! 

Book Giveaway

I have three copies of The Ticket, that I would love to give away.  I would love to hear why and or who you would like this book for in your life.  My heart is to see The Ticket get into the hands of a child that is in need of a Ticket out or just open a conversation between a parent and a child about Sexual Abuse.  Or maybe you are a teacher that would love a book in your classroom.  So please send me a message/comment on Facebook or email me at Nicole@Graciesticket.Com with this information.  Please share this info with others in your life. I will chose three people and send them a copy this week. 

What The Ticket means to me

To me The Ticket is so much more than a 32 page children's book. What I see in the words, is the heart of abuse and the fear and courage that comes through it. It gives hope, where there is very little. It opens the heart of a child in need and communicates to a large group of people, young and old. This  group if given the chance, would surely not be part of this group that is rapidly growing daily, but they would never want to not be part of the solution.  There is a unspoken hurt that is shared, it is seen in each others eyes. The Ticket isn't just words or pictures of sexual abuse. It was written with the passion to end abuse. To give victims their first voice, and to say I understand your pain and I am here to lend my heart, voice and ear to help you see your worth. The Ticket isn't  just a book to me that deals with sexual abuse, it was written from my soul and my own deep desire to end this horrible epidemic. I want the few people that haven't been affected by abuse to know how real it is, and the adults that are still carrying that burden alone, to feel safe to release it. Mostly I just want every child that is facing abuse now to have their Ticket out Today, not in ten years or as an adult but this very moment.

Courage is contagious

(Guest post written by Shaney with who was my ticket out of abuse, and for me the strongest and most inspiring survivor I know. Her story, strength and courage is contagious!)

It's been a long 28 years of life for this young women. 15 years of complete terror, 8 years of horror, and another 5 years of bliss. Let's see what exactly defines terror?Well Webster says 1 : a state of intense fear. But what exactly is fear? Fear is defined as 1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. That's exactly the way I remember those years of terror... Full of fear of what may or may not happen next. As children we need stability to trust that what may happen next will not harm us. Without it we have instability or terror. As a child I dreamed of a home without terror. Not a large luxurious home but a home that was safe. Let's imagine life without ever being safe for just a second. A life that was spent day and night with fear. It's almost unimaginable. Safety is defined as 1 : free from harm or risk. Now I know a child should not have to dream of such things as safety. Safety should not be a luxury but it should be freely given to every child. But in those 15 years of my life of terror safety was a only a dream. When a child dreams it gives them hope. Hope is defined as 1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation. A child has the truest feelings of hope. They can cherish there dreams and also expect them to come true. As we grow older we lose that innocence. I almost believe that as we get older we all lose a little hope each day.
So how did I learn to have hope again? Through God! I found the one thing that is safe. In other words
I had found my dream! So you ask what's the 8 years of horror, right? Horror is defined as 1. an overwhelming and painful feeling caused by something frightfully shocking, terrifying, or revolting. So I had found this amazing place where I could feel safe, but not from myself! The horror was now within me. So for 8 years I lived with the feeling of horror that was caused by, ME. It's easy to blame someone else for everything that has happened and stay locked in horror forever! So you ask how did I make it from horror to bliss! I forgave myself. I admitted that the problem was within me and moved on. With that one safe place and forgiveness we have BLISS

Dad's that are making a forever impression

Have you ever heard the quote,”A Dad is a son's first hero and a daughter's first love"? Well, that quote is completely true in our home. When my husband, Ben, walks in the door from work, I can be sure of a few things: I can be certain our home will get louder, there will be tons of wrestling, lots of running from dad as he chases our kids around the house with a Nerf gun, or sneaking outback while they play, with water balloons to toss at them. There will be screaming, lots of laughing and even a child or two getting hurt from the rough housing. There will be many "Dad guess what happened today" being said and many hugs. He is such a gentle giant; one that teaches his family the love of Christ by his openness to love, and be loved. I have always called him a silent leader; he may not have a million words to speak, but he makes every word he speaks count. He takes our children hunting, hiking, and fishing. And, that very same man will also paint his daughter’s finger nails and let her paint his. Children need Daddies, ones that are present and transparent, ones who will change diapers, do story time and will enjoy introducing his children to his own hobbies. Being active, and present, in our children's lives will not ensure that abuse won’t happen.  However, our presence, and involvement, will ensure a greater chance that our children will tell us if there is abuse, and they will have the knowledge that it is wrong, and the confidence to speak up. It is more common for us to hear of active and present moms, but there are a lot of dads who are nurturing healthy hearts in their children too.  I think we should talk much more about rockstar dads; it makes my heart happy to see them in action!

Through Her Eyes

Anyone will hurt for a child that's been sexual abused and we all do. But for us, that have also been sexually abused ourselves, we don't just hurt for them, we hurt with them. When hearing their story,  we instantly will physically feel their pain and the devastating shame that goes along with abuse. Its a instant burden we then carry along with them.  No matter how far through the healing journey we have walked. There is  no time or distance that can separate our memories from that pain. I recently had a humbling encounter with a young girl that has endured horrific pain and torment at the hands of a abuser. Her pain, so raw and wounds so freshly opened, that my heart physically hurt and many nights I  lost sleep thinking of this amazing child and her beautiful eyes. Those eyes that told her story with no words needing to be spoken. That same pain I felt in that room, while talking with this young survivor, is the same pain that drives me to bring awareness to this secret awful epidemic . I don't have all the answers or know just how completely yet,  but through many voices and lots of tears, day  by day and child by child, abuse will have a voice and that voice will say enough and people will start to listen.

Boundaries

The truth of the matter is, boundaries are important and essential. We need all different kinds of boundaries for different individual in our life.These people dictate what degree is needed for them in our lives. We just need to tweak each boundary to keep it healthy and we must constantly reevaluate our boundaries. Some people are respectful of our limits and don't push passed whats been set. So using a nice white picket fence is expectable and honestly most desirable. Other's see a small hole in our fence and dig their way under. Or the other's will do any and everything to come over our fence without our permission. Thats when the six foot tall, brick wall, topped with barbed wire and a loud siren will come in handy. So its hard and scary at times to set limits but for any healthy relationship there must be healthy boundaries in place. People that have came from an abusive childhood never had healthy boundaries set or taught. So as these children grow to teens and adults they struggle to set up healthy boundaries and have to learn what should had been instilled as a young child. Rememeber any steps we take towards health is a step further from our past.

Let your light shine!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. – Nelson Mandela

Bright Future's are promised

Memories have the power to remind us that our past was real, but His word tells us we have a awesome future! We need to remember when those triggers happen in our life today, that our past is just that and it does not define us or dictate where or who holds our future. The bible clearly says in Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares The Lord , 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.'" I know that can be hard to fully believe and trust, but we need to allow that to penetrate our hearts as truth. I know many people (that mean absolutely no harm) who say things such as " God allowed this to happen." I believe very differently. I believe God gives us all free will; and our predators used their freedom very wrongly. One thing I do know without a doubt, is God WILL use our past hurts to help others in healing and strengthening ways. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50-20.

There is freedom beyond abuse and beyond the many memories we still can carry with us daily. God places people in our lives to help carry our burdens and to lend a shoulder when it's needed! Take advantage of the healthy, and safe, people in your life and let them be part of your healing journey. Most of all, smile! Knowing you are one of the strongest, and rare, that is still not only standing, but choosing to heal and come out better with a bright future.

A new year!

This year of 2012 was full of many new things for us. The Ticket became a reality and I have had some amazing opportunities to talk to people and organizations, about childhood sexual abuse and prevention. It has been amazing journey so far and I look forward to what is next.
  Personally our family has went through some major changes and some health issue, but through all of the the good the bad the happy and sad this year has brought us closer to God and each other and we know that 2013 is going to be full of amazing thing, and we can't wait to share it with all of you! Hope you all have an amazing and safe New Year full of many blessing!
Nicole Martin

What parents need to know about Child Sexual Abuse

What Parents Need to Know About Child Sexual Abuse 1. Talking to your child before an assault happens is the best prevention: Children are best protected by giving them the knowledge and skills necessary for their safety. Let your child know that safety rules apply to all adults including family members. Encourage your child to tell someone about secrets that are making her/him feel bad. Let your child know that you are available to talk and listen. Allow your child to share thoughts and listen closely to what they are telling you. Help your child understand who they can trust. Talk with your child about this and listen to their input. Tell your child that if someone touches her/him to tell and keep telling until someone listens. Instilling a sense of strong self-esteem in your child may help your child avoid feelings of responsibility and guilt if they are victimized. Open sexual communication at home can make it easier for children to disclose sexual abuse by minimizing discomfort. A child is never to blame for the abuse. Children cannot prevent abuse, only the offender can. 2. Knowing perpetrator tactics and how a child may react can help you detect sexual abuse: Offenders may threaten to hurt the child or a family member of the child if they tell anyone about the abuse. This is common regardless of whether the perpetrator is a family member, friend, acquaintance or stranger. A child often feels that she/he is to blame for the abuse. The offender may reinforce this by using guilt tactics on the child. Offenders often follow up abusive incidents with treats or gifts for the child. This is very confusing for the child and may make her/him feel guilty for accepting the gifts and/or for feeling bad about the abuse. Be aware if your child talks a lot about a particular adult or older person. Be aware of individuals (family member, friend, neighbor) who spend an inordinate amount of time with your child. It is common for a child to deny that abuse happened when it did or tell about the abuse and then recant their original statement. There is little evidence that children make false allegations of abuse. 3. Responding appropriately when your child is victimized can make all the different in her/his healing process: If you think abuse is going on, act on that feeling or instinct. Believe your child when they tell. Don't force a child to talk or stop talking about the abuse. Allow them to go at their own pace. Be patient. Remind your child how strong she/he was for telling about the abuse. Getting your child involved with a support group of peer survivors can help eliminate feelings of isolation. Get support for you and your child, this is a very difficult issue for any one person to handle.--(Info taken fromCity of Lakewood Colorado webpage)

Family Secret's

A lot of people who have been sexually abused are part of a family secret that is many decades old. This is a dirty secret that is passed down from generation to generation and usually, without words spoken, the family teaches one another through their lack of actions, that it is normal and secrets are meant to be kept. I believe just the opposite; anything that is kept a secret is not a healthy family tradition to pass down. When we grow up keeping secrets, eventually lies become who we are. When we expose secrets, we become transparent, real and we carry a much lighter load on our shoulders. Exposing the secrets will cause pain, perhaps rejection from family and many hurtful words will be spoken, but in the end you will find beauty, freedom and a stronger family core to the ones that choose to stick around in order to heal.

Press Release from BMH books

Over at BMH books and Publishing they did an interview of me regarding The Ticket. If you would like to read about what they had to say regarding The Ticket please go to 
www.fgbcworld-blog.com

Courage

Courage, what is it, who possesses it, and how do we attain it?

I have heard people say, "that man was born with courage" and have seen things such as a father trying to teach his son to be courageous. So are we born with it, or can it be taught?

Over the past week, fear has somehow crept back into my life; fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of opening my past back up, and fear of remembering. This past Sunday at church fear engulfed me. It had me playing the "what if" game. All of a sudden I felt exposed, vulnerable, and honestly, scared.

I believed I had walked through the healing process of my past, felt I had dealt with it and accepted it. I was ready to be a voice, to help others out of the horrific shame and torment of sexual abuse. I could hear that old familiar voice filling my head with lies. 

Then on Monday night I was invited over to some very close friends' house for dinner. That night our kids played, we ate, and had a chance to talk. It is amazing what talking out loud can do for one's soul. It exposes the lies instead of keeping them locked up in our heads where soon they will penetrate our hearts if left unresolved. 

So for me, courage is something that is achieved by those who choose to not give up and choose to continue on. Even when fear is screaming to do just the opposite. In every person there is a burden. A burden so strong it pulls at thier soul. For some it is to teach, others to go on mission trips or to be a doctor, etc. For me that burden is to look into the eyes of children that have had their innocence stolen and tell them they are beautiful. That if they feel the world has left and abandoned them to make it known that God has made them for wonderful things and that they have never forgotten.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" ~ Winston Churchill

It is here

Today I held and saw my first copy of the completed Ticket. I can't tell you how amazing it was to see the finished product. I want to thank you all that have already ordered your copy and/or shared The Ticket's information with others. Thank you just isn't enough to explain how grateful I am for that.

Published!

I received an amazing phone call this past Saturday from Trafford, who is the publisher of The Ticket. They congratulated me on being a published Author, it was a surreal moment to hear my name in the same sentence as Published Author. What this means is, The Ticket is available through Trafford.com and through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. here and here

One thing I am learning through this journey is, if you wish to stay an introvert,  then publishing a book is not ideal for you. I believe God gets a big kick out of pushing His children to stretch more and more out of their comfort zone. Each day I am reaching out and talking about this book and the passion behind it. I am doing so in ways I would never have dreamed of seeing myself do. When you learn God has given you a voice and for a reason, it would be a horrible waste not to use it as He has called you to.