Dear......

This scene plays over in my head. I was walking in, as you were walking out. All I wanted was to run in, grab a snack and fill up my car with gasoline. We touched, your left shoulder actually rubbed against my right side, that’s how close we were. I gasped for air as our eyes met, my breathing slowed down, it may have even completely stopped. My heart was racing. You looked so different to me, you seemed weaker, smaller and so much older, as my eyes quickly looked over you and examined your face. I waited and expected to see anger and rage spewing out from every pour of your body. But there was something different about your eyes, they had changed, they had a brokenness about them. I pulled my head up with a little bit more confidence and my eyes seemed to soften as if I was looking into what seemed like the eyes of your heart. Less fear consumed me than I ever would have imagined in such a moment like that while instead more empathy and sadness seemed to take over. I knew what your eyes where saying, I felt it, I know you and those eyes. Those eyes looked at me for so many years and in so many different ways, but never like this. I looked at you and with me saying no words and I said what I felt was needed to be said, “I forgive you.” You almost had to hold your breath in that moment it seemed. I think it was more then you were prepared for. As fast as it had started, it ended, you continued to walk out, as I walked in but, we both turned once more and then it was over and I woke up. Yes, this was all just a dream but this dream has been on repeat for several months. I wonder why I am dreaming of this encounter over and over, why do your eyes bring such brokenness to me instead of fear or anger? For the last 15 years I have wanted a face to face with you, a moment where you would confess and a moment I could scream, cry and throw any and everything near me at your face and then only after every ounce of me was exhausted, I would say the words out loud, ”I forgive you” as I walked away with what I had always told myself would be peace. But really would it be? Would that be enough after you confessed your heart to me of the sins you committed? Would I be at peace with saying nothing more? See, I know me, I know my heart and I wouldn’t be, maybe it’s a character flaw, maybe it’s not, maybe it’s part of Gods heart in me, I am sure some people would have opinions if it is healthy or not, but I would want the chance to tell you a little bit more. I would want to tell you that I forgive you, but really in the scheme of life and death, my forgiveness doesn’t count for very much. But there is forgiveness that counts for everything, The forgiveness that comes from God that is really all that will matter one day and He is willing and waiting to extend it to you. 

Dammit, I really hate what you did, what you caused, what you took away and I am sure God is/was pretty broken over it too, but that’s where He is so different. He will never turn his love off on us ever, not even on you. Go ahead and try him, confess to him and let him work on your heart because, even men like you, deserve to know that kind of love. I don’t think anyone should live life in turmoil or have their life come to an end without knowing the changing power and love of Christ. You knowing him would mean us sharing heaven together, but I think I could do that and the only reason I know I can say that honesty is because of Jesus. If you allowed him to come in and work on your heart, the man you were and perhaps still are, would be gone in an instant, he makes all things new. Yes, God is really that good, he can turn a child abuser into a forgiven saint. How, I haven't a clue, because to me it seems impossible, but somehow I know it’s not. 

Your days are numbered, as are mine and obviously it’s your choice, but you don’t have to live this next and probably last chapter of your life in such a state of brokenness, but instead you could choose to be more and make you life matter for something really good. 

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all our unrighteousness

To my Ticket out of abuse.

Every girl needs at least one awesome women in her life. Another women to laugh with, cry with and be a little crazy with. I have that in a few very close friend and I am forever grateful for them and also all the other awesome women God has brought into my life. This women pictured is different. She is unique and holds a special place in my life. A place no one else could possible fill or understand. By birth, she is my cousin. By bond, she is my sister. By choice, she is a friend BUT by her courage, she is my ticket out of abuse. 

Although our stories of abuse vary. We both quietly walked through it together. She is three years younger than me and when she was 16 years old, she spoke out about her abuse and soon after helped me to do the same. She brought our abuser to trial. She stood up to generations of abuse in our family.  Even as her life and reputation were dragged through the mud and her name slandered in horrible ways, she still stood up in front of our family, friends and complete strangers and told her story, told the truth and did so with confidence and integrity. She was able to do at this time what I couldn’t do. She found her voice and used it and because of that courage, she single-handedly broke the awful cycle of abuse that ran many generations deep through our family. Our children are all now part of a clean, healthy family of people that chose to stay and walk through the horrible mess with us, that was left behind by our abuser.  Her ability to find her strength and use her voice are the beginnings to way our family has been rebuilt healthier and healing each day since. I always had a song in my heart and a story to share but I only found it because of her courage and strength.  She changed the course of my life and I know what she did was the hardest and most heart wrenching decision she ever made. So I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart. Her courage helped  me to be the mom I am to 9 healthy and beautiful children and a wife to a godly, safe and healthy man. But most of all her courage helped me find my own voice. I thank you for being my friend, my sister and my ticket out of hell. There is truly non like you.

Carrying each other's burdens

What do I know of holy? What do I know of His heart? Not very much, but I truly want to. I want to love in a true unconditional way, not just when it’s convenient or easy, but always, as Jesus does. I desire to be so intertwined with other people that I pray for them before they even ask. I want to rejoice with each of you, not because I should, but because my heart can’t help but overflow with love and joy for others. I want to be ok with having altercations with people, because any relationship that can walk side by side in this journey together must be willing to get messy together. I desire to be so in tune with the people around me that the moment they are struggling, I feel it and act on it in love. I want to genuinely love people better. We were all given gifts and talents from God and He gave them freely to us. I believe He did so in hope that we would use them freely to bless and encourage other people. We need each other, we were never designed to walk this world alone. I know I wouldn’t be here with out the love of so many of you. He designed us to be in community through friends, family, church and so on. It was never His purpose or design for us to be strong and handle this life alone. I think He calls us to show venerability in order for others to strengthen their ability to love better. At the end of my life the one thing I hope is, that I loved others well and thought of them more then myself. I pray my heart becomes more like His and less like mine each day.

Carry each other’s burdens.....Galatians 6:2

What he stole

Allowing someone that once meant so much to me and at one point held a large part of my heart and consumed most of my nightly thoughts and fears. To no longer giving them the gratification but genuinely forgiving and letting go. All while finding the voice they silenced for so long. That is when my deepest and greatest healing began. 

 I use to allow his voice even when not physically present, to lead and dictate my heart and emotions. He was amazing at making me feel falsly loved and safe. Doing this all while hurting me the deepest that anyone had ever or will ever hurt me. He destroyed my view of the world and myself as a child. Yet, he did all this while convincing my young innocent heart that he was safe and could be trusted, while it was others that were the real threat. He stole my innocence, robbed me of a healthy view of men and my own worth. He made me question my thoughts and other adults around me. I learned the art of self medicating because of him, the pain he caused was even brought into my marriage the first few years. This person stole so much and took away such large pieces of my heart that at one time I thought I would never live a normal life.

But Jesus..

My abuser may have stole a lot but nothing that Jesus couldn't restore and give crazy God size  healing too. Through His grace I received redemption and value back into my life.  He spoke worth over me and gave me the gift  of love from a real man through my husband, which changed my world, allowing me to feel safe. He allowed me to be weak and transparent, Jesus actually asked that of me. He gave me a voice and said use it. He revealed talents I had convinced myself I did't have. This Jesus, He mourned and wept with me for what I had lost, He laid beside me at let me weep in his presence. He spoke tony heart in such a gentle voice, one that my fragile heart needed in order to hear at the time. He led healthy people into my life and even though it hurt the so deept, He took the unhealthy ones out. He restored my heart. He did all this while asking nothing, it was freely given. Making the choice to follow and fall head over heels in love, so easy.

So, my abuser did steal a lot and yes somedays, though far and in between the acts of this man can still steal the joys of my day but the blessing is that, it's far and in between. He didn't win!

Choose Love

Every one of us gets through the tough times because somebody is there, standing in the gap to close it for us.” - Oprah Winfrey

I don't know about you, but I've  had several of these amazing people at different times in my life. These people they are there and probably don't even know thay they are changing your life for the better.  These amazing people that even years later, still hold a very special spot in your heart. I've had some present from birth, some from my childhood and even some that have came and gone. Each one had a purpose and helped me through some of my darkest days.
I have had the people that have always been with me, people like my parents, sibling, cousins and aunts. The ones that have always know me and loved me unconditional through it all. Some friends and family that came into my life by choice. I have a sister in law, that even before we were family, she would walk with me after all my counseling appointments just because she knew I needed someone to talk to. A teacher that listened to me and had an amazing way of understanding and making me feel loved. Friends that came along before I knew I had much to give back in return. A husband that chose to love me unconditionally and marry me even when I still had so many open wounds, that at the time had not been healed. I was very blessed to have so many people that loved me. God knew just who I needed and when I needed them. They all played an important role in helping me find my own worth. So remember, you never know what one person is facing and what trial they are currently enduring through. So give grace, love and two open ears to each other. You might just be that person,  the one that helps another person in finding and seeing their own worth and potential. It's not always an obvious thing, sometimes loving someone can be hard and not very fun, but loving someone is always worth it. I know, because I am forever grateful to the ones that have given love out so freely to me.

Hospice, Sexual Abuse and the Survivors last days.

"Guest post written by a Hospice Care Giver which happens to be a very close friend. Her stories bring to light how long people carry the hurt and burdens of Childhood Sexual Abuse."

I have been blessed with the unique privilege of helping care for terminally ill patients in their last weeks of life.  I'm a hospice care giver and I LOVE my job!! I am always grateful to my patients and their families for allowing me to be a part of one of the most intimate experiences they will go through.  When they are admitted to our facility, we are complete strangers to each other, but very quickly we are thrust in to circumstances that don't allow for getting to know yous or trust building.  There have been many things that have surprised me in the 3 years that I've been doing this.  These surprises range from the resolve and courage that the patients exude, to the how the amount of peace a patient has found will translate to the way their final days will go. 

The patients I care for come from all walks of life, all types of experiences, and have all types of histories.  When a patient has a history of abuse, even if they have found closure, healing, and forgiveness, it inevitably creeps back up when they are on their death bed.  Abuse, physical or sexual, impacts a patient's ability to let a caregiver actually care for them.  Bathing, repositioning, not to mention other medically required procedures, all become moments filled with anxiety, and sometimes fear.  I have had women, after years of therapy, happy marriages, and positive experiences as a mother, become focused on their history of abuse.  At times, It will consume their thoughts and conversations and if they have not been able to forgive their abuser, that plagues them as well.  I have had some who tremble in fear when we need to bathe them or dress them. 

Abusers probably don't care how much of an impact their actions have on their victims; their inappropriate acts linger far beyond therapy sessions, years of healing, or years of perfecting the art of disassociation.  An abuser's acts will surface at a time when a patient must face all that has occurred in their life and come to terms with it.  An abuser's acts will sometimes be part of the last thing a patient speaks or expresses to family members. An abuser's acts will invoke fear in an adult who may have thought they put those emotions, those nightmares behind them. 

The impact of abuse is far reaching and sometimes in ways that we would least expect.  Three years later, I still encounter situations where my patient is robbed of their peace and their right to pass away surrounded by only good memories because of what an abuser did in their past. 

Courage is contagious

(Guest post written by Shaney with who was my ticket out of abuse, and for me the strongest and most inspiring survivor I know. Her story, strength and courage is contagious!)

It's been a long 28 years of life for this young women. 15 years of complete terror, 8 years of horror, and another 5 years of bliss. Let's see what exactly defines terror?Well Webster says 1 : a state of intense fear. But what exactly is fear? Fear is defined as 1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. That's exactly the way I remember those years of terror... Full of fear of what may or may not happen next. As children we need stability to trust that what may happen next will not harm us. Without it we have instability or terror. As a child I dreamed of a home without terror. Not a large luxurious home but a home that was safe. Let's imagine life without ever being safe for just a second. A life that was spent day and night with fear. It's almost unimaginable. Safety is defined as 1 : free from harm or risk. Now I know a child should not have to dream of such things as safety. Safety should not be a luxury but it should be freely given to every child. But in those 15 years of my life of terror safety was a only a dream. When a child dreams it gives them hope. Hope is defined as 1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation. A child has the truest feelings of hope. They can cherish there dreams and also expect them to come true. As we grow older we lose that innocence. I almost believe that as we get older we all lose a little hope each day.
So how did I learn to have hope again? Through God! I found the one thing that is safe. In other words
I had found my dream! So you ask what's the 8 years of horror, right? Horror is defined as 1. an overwhelming and painful feeling caused by something frightfully shocking, terrifying, or revolting. So I had found this amazing place where I could feel safe, but not from myself! The horror was now within me. So for 8 years I lived with the feeling of horror that was caused by, ME. It's easy to blame someone else for everything that has happened and stay locked in horror forever! So you ask how did I make it from horror to bliss! I forgave myself. I admitted that the problem was within me and moved on. With that one safe place and forgiveness we have BLISS

Dad's that are making a forever impression

Have you ever heard the quote,”A Dad is a son's first hero and a daughter's first love"? Well, that quote is completely true in our home. When my husband, Ben, walks in the door from work, I can be sure of a few things: I can be certain our home will get louder, there will be tons of wrestling, lots of running from dad as he chases our kids around the house with a Nerf gun, or sneaking outback while they play, with water balloons to toss at them. There will be screaming, lots of laughing and even a child or two getting hurt from the rough housing. There will be many "Dad guess what happened today" being said and many hugs. He is such a gentle giant; one that teaches his family the love of Christ by his openness to love, and be loved. I have always called him a silent leader; he may not have a million words to speak, but he makes every word he speaks count. He takes our children hunting, hiking, and fishing. And, that very same man will also paint his daughter’s finger nails and let her paint his. Children need Daddies, ones that are present and transparent, ones who will change diapers, do story time and will enjoy introducing his children to his own hobbies. Being active, and present, in our children's lives will not ensure that abuse won’t happen.  However, our presence, and involvement, will ensure a greater chance that our children will tell us if there is abuse, and they will have the knowledge that it is wrong, and the confidence to speak up. It is more common for us to hear of active and present moms, but there are a lot of dads who are nurturing healthy hearts in their children too.  I think we should talk much more about rockstar dads; it makes my heart happy to see them in action!

Press Release from BMH books

Over at BMH books and Publishing they did an interview of me regarding The Ticket. If you would like to read about what they had to say regarding The Ticket please go to 
www.fgbcworld-blog.com

How do we view ourselves?

Do you believe that God has more for you than what you feel you deserve? I know I haven’t always believed that. Growing up, I was the one that always had low self esteem;  I would lie, hide behind a tough exterior, and I would do stuff I didn't really want to do. I did all of this as an attempt to be liked. I was constantly the first person to insult myself; whether about my past, my education level, my parenting style, you name it I would demean myself in that area. I believe I did that to protect myself. If I insulted myself first, I would beat others to the punch. Over the past year I have became very aware of this issue; I am more confident about myself then I tend to let on. I really am a confident parent.  I know I love to write and have a lot to give. Sometimes, I think we desire to hide within our past to be safe.  The past can be a very comfortable place to reside. The past is where we all have made mistakes and where we already know what the outcomes are. The present can be scary. The present is like jumping out of a plane. You have to have faith that the parachute will work and as you land, your legs will be strong enough to hold up. As I become more of who God made me to be, I also become more in love with Him for patiently waiting for me to see myself as He sees me. God has plans for all of us.  For those of us that have been abused it was not His will for it to happen. I believe He gave us all free will and our predators used their freedom very wrongly .He was weeping alongside of us.  He will use our pains to help others.  He will give us a voice that was stolen from us and will be our biggest supporter. The pain I went through was not in vain and that, for me today, is the most amazing, heart wrenching feeling I have ever experienced. I am learning that we can’t rush healing. The journey Jesus takes us on is all part of that healing and we must learn to enjoy every victory; learn from every sorrow.