The peanut butter to my jelly...my better half

It's hard to believe that almost eleven years ago, we were gathered with our closest family and friends in a beautiful exchanging of vows. This guy is still the peanut butter to my jelly, my favorite pair of sweat pants, my best friend,my better half and I love him more today then ever. I couldn't have imagined being happier then I was when he made me his wife, then I became a mom to our three awesome kids and that is when my life truly began. I love this man and am so thankful all those years ago we met and he liked this crazy wild girl. He saw past the masks, straight to my heart and saw in me what I never saw in myself, his love was proof to me that God was real and God's love was now something tangible and visible for my heart to see.  For the first time in my life I felt completely safe and my trust was easy to give because I knew he understood the value placed on it. The past eleven years has been filled with ups and downs, so much joy and tears but today I am more thankful then ever it’s this man I get to spend my ordinary, simple and sometimes crazy life with. He believes and calls out the very best in me. My world is better, largely in part to this gentle giant that I am navigating this beautiful life with.

Simple reminders

This is my daughter, writing her own "book," is there a sweeter compliment than your child desiring to be like you? This picture is a kind reminder that even though my voice at times has shaken, choosing to stay silent could never have been an option and facing my past in order to heal was worth it all. I love reminders that God really does turn beauty from ashes, while turning our messes into messages and our trials into God size triumphs.

What I saw through her hands

Growing up, I saw my family as perfect. I think most children do. I didn’t see their flaws or imperfections. I saw through the eyes of a child. Simple and pure. As I grew I came to realize that no person is perfect and we all have a journey that we have and will have to walk through. 

My grandmother has been here visiting us from Michigan. Its been so wonderful to have her here to visit and for my children to get to know her better. I had her over the other day to watch a movie just her and I. As we were watching the movie I looked down and saw her hand on my lap and I thought about what she and these beautiful hands has had to walk through. She came from the generation of people that were taught that they didn't have a voice and taught to keep their problems to themselves. Something about these hands brought me to tears. She caught me and we were able to talk. Which is something that as she has aged means so much to me.

 Grandparents have powerful stories, they have lived and walked through so much. We all need to take the time to slow down to learn from the hardships they have already walked through. I pray that when my grandchildren look down at my aged hands one day they will see victory, strength and hands that chose to love deeply.  

Moving on and letting go

I still talk to almost everyone from my past to some degree. I have always felt if you were placed into my life it was for a reason. Maybe the truth is really because I hate goodbye's. Either way, if you and I have met at any point chances are we still talk.

Occasionally though, I do run into people from my past. Ones that I haven't seen or talked to in many years. I had the pleasure to do that recently. It started out great, with hello's, a little small talk but then it goes to who I use to be. The girl filled with anger, low self esteem and probably intoxicated. I then feel a little insecure and I find myself allowing all these little old lies to creep back in. It was a short visit but just enough time to stir emotions of self doubt and insecurities. I came home and was beating myself up, I guess I still feel the need at times to punish myself for who I no longer am. Then I got a text from a friend and a email from another at the same time, both of which knew nothing of what I had been feeling. These messages were so encouraging and the exact reason why I love how God shows up through other people at just the right time. Here is a portion of the text: "You're an amazing, courageous lady! Your desire and ability to speak out, expose the truth, and encourage others to use their voice is an amazing gift to both yourself and others. Please don't ever let Satan trip you up to feel anything less. Remember, who you were has lead you to be the wonderful person you are today." Yep, that is what she said to me while I was punishing myself but for what reason? I am no longer that girl or victim. There are so many truths of who I am and even more of who I am not. So why do we still pull out the old record player of lies and put it on repeat? So, today I am thankful I have friends that love me, speak truth into me and most importantly listen when God is talking. It's life building and encouraging to know you have people, real people that care and are there, always in your corner. We should all have at least one of these kind of friends.

What he stole

Allowing someone that once meant so much to me and at one point held a large part of my heart and consumed most of my nightly thoughts and fears. To no longer giving them the gratification but genuinely forgiving and letting go. All while finding the voice they silenced for so long. That is when my deepest and greatest healing began. 

 I use to allow his voice even when not physically present, to lead and dictate my heart and emotions. He was amazing at making me feel falsly loved and safe. Doing this all while hurting me the deepest that anyone had ever or will ever hurt me. He destroyed my view of the world and myself as a child. Yet, he did all this while convincing my young innocent heart that he was safe and could be trusted, while it was others that were the real threat. He stole my innocence, robbed me of a healthy view of men and my own worth. He made me question my thoughts and other adults around me. I learned the art of self medicating because of him, the pain he caused was even brought into my marriage the first few years. This person stole so much and took away such large pieces of my heart that at one time I thought I would never live a normal life.

But Jesus..

My abuser may have stole a lot but nothing that Jesus couldn't restore and give crazy God size  healing too. Through His grace I received redemption and value back into my life.  He spoke worth over me and gave me the gift  of love from a real man through my husband, which changed my world, allowing me to feel safe. He allowed me to be weak and transparent, Jesus actually asked that of me. He gave me a voice and said use it. He revealed talents I had convinced myself I did't have. This Jesus, He mourned and wept with me for what I had lost, He laid beside me at let me weep in his presence. He spoke tony heart in such a gentle voice, one that my fragile heart needed in order to hear at the time. He led healthy people into my life and even though it hurt the so deept, He took the unhealthy ones out. He restored my heart. He did all this while asking nothing, it was freely given. Making the choice to follow and fall head over heels in love, so easy.

So, my abuser did steal a lot and yes somedays, though far and in between the acts of this man can still steal the joys of my day but the blessing is that, it's far and in between. He didn't win!

Lets all become unstoppable

The biggest lie we have told ourselves and many of us have lived out in believing, is that we have limited our  potential and diminished who we know we truly are. We all have that inner dream, calling, and passion. I know I always did, but I diminished my potential and passions out of fear. I have slowly come to realize that we can't be afraid of what some might think, because they will throw judgement at us regardless if thats their heart. We all have walked through a road and journey that is unique and customized to us. We all have gifts, talents, and what a injustice we are doing to this world if we are not authentic with what we have been given. We were created to impact the world! Do we truly believe that? The world? You are so unique that no one else can do what you were placed here to do. Follow what you are passionate about, it was placed there for a reason. You  will get the most fulfillment by pursuing that calling! Can you imagine a world of people all following their hearts and callings? Powerful! Unstoppable! 

Book Giveaway

I have three copies of The Ticket, that I would love to give away.  I would love to hear why and or who you would like this book for in your life.  My heart is to see The Ticket get into the hands of a child that is in need of a Ticket out or just open a conversation between a parent and a child about Sexual Abuse.  Or maybe you are a teacher that would love a book in your classroom.  So please send me a message/comment on Facebook or email me at Nicole@Graciesticket.Com with this information.  Please share this info with others in your life. I will chose three people and send them a copy this week. 

Courage is contagious

(Guest post written by Shaney with who was my ticket out of abuse, and for me the strongest and most inspiring survivor I know. Her story, strength and courage is contagious!)

It's been a long 28 years of life for this young women. 15 years of complete terror, 8 years of horror, and another 5 years of bliss. Let's see what exactly defines terror?Well Webster says 1 : a state of intense fear. But what exactly is fear? Fear is defined as 1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. That's exactly the way I remember those years of terror... Full of fear of what may or may not happen next. As children we need stability to trust that what may happen next will not harm us. Without it we have instability or terror. As a child I dreamed of a home without terror. Not a large luxurious home but a home that was safe. Let's imagine life without ever being safe for just a second. A life that was spent day and night with fear. It's almost unimaginable. Safety is defined as 1 : free from harm or risk. Now I know a child should not have to dream of such things as safety. Safety should not be a luxury but it should be freely given to every child. But in those 15 years of my life of terror safety was a only a dream. When a child dreams it gives them hope. Hope is defined as 1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation. A child has the truest feelings of hope. They can cherish there dreams and also expect them to come true. As we grow older we lose that innocence. I almost believe that as we get older we all lose a little hope each day.
So how did I learn to have hope again? Through God! I found the one thing that is safe. In other words
I had found my dream! So you ask what's the 8 years of horror, right? Horror is defined as 1. an overwhelming and painful feeling caused by something frightfully shocking, terrifying, or revolting. So I had found this amazing place where I could feel safe, but not from myself! The horror was now within me. So for 8 years I lived with the feeling of horror that was caused by, ME. It's easy to blame someone else for everything that has happened and stay locked in horror forever! So you ask how did I make it from horror to bliss! I forgave myself. I admitted that the problem was within me and moved on. With that one safe place and forgiveness we have BLISS

Dad's that are making a forever impression

Have you ever heard the quote,”A Dad is a son's first hero and a daughter's first love"? Well, that quote is completely true in our home. When my husband, Ben, walks in the door from work, I can be sure of a few things: I can be certain our home will get louder, there will be tons of wrestling, lots of running from dad as he chases our kids around the house with a Nerf gun, or sneaking outback while they play, with water balloons to toss at them. There will be screaming, lots of laughing and even a child or two getting hurt from the rough housing. There will be many "Dad guess what happened today" being said and many hugs. He is such a gentle giant; one that teaches his family the love of Christ by his openness to love, and be loved. I have always called him a silent leader; he may not have a million words to speak, but he makes every word he speaks count. He takes our children hunting, hiking, and fishing. And, that very same man will also paint his daughter’s finger nails and let her paint his. Children need Daddies, ones that are present and transparent, ones who will change diapers, do story time and will enjoy introducing his children to his own hobbies. Being active, and present, in our children's lives will not ensure that abuse won’t happen.  However, our presence, and involvement, will ensure a greater chance that our children will tell us if there is abuse, and they will have the knowledge that it is wrong, and the confidence to speak up. It is more common for us to hear of active and present moms, but there are a lot of dads who are nurturing healthy hearts in their children too.  I think we should talk much more about rockstar dads; it makes my heart happy to see them in action!

Through Her Eyes

Anyone will hurt for a child that's been sexual abused and we all do. But for us, that have also been sexually abused ourselves, we don't just hurt for them, we hurt with them. When hearing their story,  we instantly will physically feel their pain and the devastating shame that goes along with abuse. Its a instant burden we then carry along with them.  No matter how far through the healing journey we have walked. There is  no time or distance that can separate our memories from that pain. I recently had a humbling encounter with a young girl that has endured horrific pain and torment at the hands of a abuser. Her pain, so raw and wounds so freshly opened, that my heart physically hurt and many nights I  lost sleep thinking of this amazing child and her beautiful eyes. Those eyes that told her story with no words needing to be spoken. That same pain I felt in that room, while talking with this young survivor, is the same pain that drives me to bring awareness to this secret awful epidemic . I don't have all the answers or know just how completely yet,  but through many voices and lots of tears, day  by day and child by child, abuse will have a voice and that voice will say enough and people will start to listen.

Let your light shine!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. – Nelson Mandela

Bright Future's are promised

Memories have the power to remind us that our past was real, but His word tells us we have a awesome future! We need to remember when those triggers happen in our life today, that our past is just that and it does not define us or dictate where or who holds our future. The bible clearly says in Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares The Lord , 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.'" I know that can be hard to fully believe and trust, but we need to allow that to penetrate our hearts as truth. I know many people (that mean absolutely no harm) who say things such as " God allowed this to happen." I believe very differently. I believe God gives us all free will; and our predators used their freedom very wrongly. One thing I do know without a doubt, is God WILL use our past hurts to help others in healing and strengthening ways. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50-20.

There is freedom beyond abuse and beyond the many memories we still can carry with us daily. God places people in our lives to help carry our burdens and to lend a shoulder when it's needed! Take advantage of the healthy, and safe, people in your life and let them be part of your healing journey. Most of all, smile! Knowing you are one of the strongest, and rare, that is still not only standing, but choosing to heal and come out better with a bright future.

Best seller's list!

Last night, I saw that The Ticket was put on my Publisher's best seller's list and it is in spot number 4! I was so humbled and blessed that it made the list let alone fourth on it! What that means is that there are more chances for children to have a ticket out of abuse and more oppurtunities for sexual abuse to be talked about. Thank you to all that are helping make this dream a reality.

Courage

Courage, what is it, who possesses it, and how do we attain it?

I have heard people say, "that man was born with courage" and have seen things such as a father trying to teach his son to be courageous. So are we born with it, or can it be taught?

Over the past week, fear has somehow crept back into my life; fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of opening my past back up, and fear of remembering. This past Sunday at church fear engulfed me. It had me playing the "what if" game. All of a sudden I felt exposed, vulnerable, and honestly, scared.

I believed I had walked through the healing process of my past, felt I had dealt with it and accepted it. I was ready to be a voice, to help others out of the horrific shame and torment of sexual abuse. I could hear that old familiar voice filling my head with lies. 

Then on Monday night I was invited over to some very close friends' house for dinner. That night our kids played, we ate, and had a chance to talk. It is amazing what talking out loud can do for one's soul. It exposes the lies instead of keeping them locked up in our heads where soon they will penetrate our hearts if left unresolved. 

So for me, courage is something that is achieved by those who choose to not give up and choose to continue on. Even when fear is screaming to do just the opposite. In every person there is a burden. A burden so strong it pulls at thier soul. For some it is to teach, others to go on mission trips or to be a doctor, etc. For me that burden is to look into the eyes of children that have had their innocence stolen and tell them they are beautiful. That if they feel the world has left and abandoned them to make it known that God has made them for wonderful things and that they have never forgotten.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" ~ Winston Churchill

It is here

Today I held and saw my first copy of the completed Ticket. I can't tell you how amazing it was to see the finished product. I want to thank you all that have already ordered your copy and/or shared The Ticket's information with others. Thank you just isn't enough to explain how grateful I am for that.