It’s okay to be rude too.

 Every morning for as long as I can remember. Right before my elementary kids head out the door for school. I pray with them. After we pray, I say, “remember who you are” and they yell back, “and who’s you are” I then say, “if you see someone that looks lonely or sad,” they respond back, “make them smile.” 

 Our children are kind, empathetic and they know right from wrong. They see people and love them just as they are. They are great kids and I’m so proud of who they are. 

 They all know “their body their choice.” We don’t make them hug or kiss anyone they don’t want too, including us. They know if any person touches them inappropriately or physically hurts them. They can tell us and without question or hesitation we will fully believe them and take full and unapologetic actions against that person. I’m so thankful for that too. 

Something I recently realized I haven’t done the best as their mom though. I focused more on the large things, the big things, the life shattering things that adults should NEVER do.  I also focused on my children respecting adults, loving others, and obeying authority, but there is a piece missing that comes at a cost. I had to relearn and am now reteaching my children every day. IT’S OKAY TO BE RUDE too! Not every adult deserves our children’s full kindness. Sometimes adults need to be called out, placed outside of their circle or reminded what behavior is acceptable and what is not and children can be rude too. I remind and show my children more often now that if what someone is doing makes them uncomfortable or wasn’t kind, they can speak up, even on the subtle and seemingly small things, because adults need to be held accountable too. I am constantly learning and readjusting my own world to better theirs and this lesson was needed even if it was a little painful as their mama to watch them navigate through. Everyday before my children walk out the door. I still pray with them. I remind them who they are and to look for the lonely or sad faces and help bring a smile to them and lastly, as I hug them, I say,  “and sometimes,” and they yell back, “it’s okay to be rude.” May we all raise kind, empathetic, loving children, that also know, it’s okay to be rude. 

Look up

When I was a young child, my brother, a couple cousins and myself, were on a pontoon with an uncle of ours. Our uncle wanted to teach us all how to swim that day, and he did, kind of. We each had different levels of swimming skills under our belts and the suggestion of throwing me into the water terrified me because, I fully believed I was going to drown. My brother was the first to get tossed in, then an older cousin was next and both were doing fine. But, that didn't lessen my fears, I was next and I was petrified, crying and begging not to be thrown in. My uncle grabbed me and tossed me a few feet from the boat. I hit the water and started really panicking and choking on the water I had swallowed while screaming for my life. But, my brother swam close to me and with a voice of confidence, he said, "Niki, just paddle to the boat and you will be fine, I'll swim next to you." And wouldn't you know it, instantly I could swim and I paddled over to the side of the boat and climbed back in. My faith in myself tripled knowing I had him next to me if he was needed. 

  The season I have been in has me at times feeling like I have been thrown overboard into a giant sea of strong waves and I have forgotten how to swim again. 

  The Lord recently reminded me of when I was that young child and how I had the skills to swim back to the boat that day, but until my brother swam next to me, my faith was very weak. Sometimes our faith isn't just about trusting God but about trusting what God can do through you. 

  Jesus asked me to step out of the boat recently too and it petrified me the same as when I was that little girl, maybe even more, because now I have so much more riding on my ability to be able to swim. Jesus didn't just toss me in like my uncle had, but he did asked me to do something that I felt was above my ability. I can't walk on water, I can't swim through giant waves crashing against me. I would surly be eaten alive by the ocean waves. But, Jesus asked me to step out of the boat, so reluctantly I did and instantly sank as I started to panic. But this time I didn't hear a voice telling me to paddle back to the boat as he swam next to me. This time, I heard nothing. Jesus had asked me to step out of the boat into an angry sea and then he abandoned me, I thought? As I struggled to keep my head above each crashing wave I was yelling out for help and was met with only the roar of the angry ocean. I couldn't see Jesus or hear him any longer. I felt alone and suddenly my fear left and a deep anguish took over as I took my last inhaled breath and started to sink deep. Suddenly, I wasn't panicked, I had just given up.  I was tired and I saw no way out. 

 There is a freedom in giving up, I guess but, also a deep sadness when you realize what you have just done. As I was sinking to the bottom and watching the sun's light fade out of sight, I wondered was this really it, was I going to drown and Jesus was just going to watch it happen? Just then, I felt him, he was beside me, holding his breath too. Confused, I thought, why was he holding his breath? After all, he can part the sea. He pointed to the ocean's surface and in that moment, I wanted to breath again and I wanted to reach the surface more than anything I had ever wanted before. I moved my very tired arms and with that first stroke towards the surface, I saw Jesus reaching in to pull me out. I grabbed his arm and when I reached the surface, I gasped for air like a new born baby breathing for the first time. It wasn't over but, I wasn't alone and I knew this at that moment. 

More often than not, Jesus doesn't just rescue us, he sinks with us, he holds his breath beside us and he waits for us to reach out our hands for him to pull us back in the boat. It's a painful, soul stretching experience to be sinking and believe you are alone, but God will never ask one of his children to step out of the boat and leave us there to drown. He will however, let us sink and feel the pressure of the deep ocean pushing against us. He knows what pressure and despair can build in us. Remember, when a pearl is being made it causes the oyster great discomfort but the end result is something pretty spectacular. So the next time you are drowning remember to keep holding your breath and look up. 

Being authentic

Being authentic can be a challenge when you have spent most of your life playing pretend. Do you ever feel like this? I know most of my life I was playing pretend and I hear the same thing often from other abuse survivors. For me, to be transparent and authentic can still at times be challenging. However, I desire to be 100% real and transparent with my emotions, my past and my day to day life.  I know for me it is so much easier to be open and share my heart with another person that is transparent, real and shows vulnerability. People that are transparent tend to have a much more inviting personality when they show their vulnerabilities.  Let me ask you a question, have you ever been around someone that's being transparent and vulnerable with sharing their struggles and pain? Now, after they are finished do you ever think, wow,  this person is weak and full of drama or do you ever find yourself laughing at their vulnerability. I am sure the answer to all the above questions would be of course not. Its so much easier to love and extend grace to people that are vulnerable. I can't expect to follow my heart of helping other people in finding their worth or to speak truth into other peoples lives, if I myself still walk in lies. Now don't get me wrong I am a million miles further than where I first started. Writing The Ticket for me was huge in the process of being more transparent.  Also, this blog which is often my thoughts and feeling of what is currently on my heart. It can be scary to put your heart and emotion out for people to read. I often talk about my past with being sexually abuse and the long healing journey that has came with it. I know that the writings I put on here anyone can read, including the man that caused all the pain to begin with. That has at times made me question what I should or shouldn't write on here but than I still wouldn't be allowing myself to be authentic. I challenge you this week, to be vulnerable, to say what you really feel while letting people into your life, even the messy parts. You might be surprised at the love and grace you receive and you never know it might just be the very thing that has been holding you back.

What he stole

Allowing someone that once meant so much to me and at one point held a large part of my heart and consumed most of my nightly thoughts and fears. To no longer giving them the gratification but genuinely forgiving and letting go. All while finding the voice they silenced for so long. That is when my deepest and greatest healing began. 

 I use to allow his voice even when not physically present, to lead and dictate my heart and emotions. He was amazing at making me feel falsly loved and safe. Doing this all while hurting me the deepest that anyone had ever or will ever hurt me. He destroyed my view of the world and myself as a child. Yet, he did all this while convincing my young innocent heart that he was safe and could be trusted, while it was others that were the real threat. He stole my innocence, robbed me of a healthy view of men and my own worth. He made me question my thoughts and other adults around me. I learned the art of self medicating because of him, the pain he caused was even brought into my marriage the first few years. This person stole so much and took away such large pieces of my heart that at one time I thought I would never live a normal life.

But Jesus..

My abuser may have stole a lot but nothing that Jesus couldn't restore and give crazy God size  healing too. Through His grace I received redemption and value back into my life.  He spoke worth over me and gave me the gift  of love from a real man through my husband, which changed my world, allowing me to feel safe. He allowed me to be weak and transparent, Jesus actually asked that of me. He gave me a voice and said use it. He revealed talents I had convinced myself I did't have. This Jesus, He mourned and wept with me for what I had lost, He laid beside me at let me weep in his presence. He spoke tony heart in such a gentle voice, one that my fragile heart needed in order to hear at the time. He led healthy people into my life and even though it hurt the so deept, He took the unhealthy ones out. He restored my heart. He did all this while asking nothing, it was freely given. Making the choice to follow and fall head over heels in love, so easy.

So, my abuser did steal a lot and yes somedays, though far and in between the acts of this man can still steal the joys of my day but the blessing is that, it's far and in between. He didn't win!

A letter to survivors

Your past doesn't hold your value and your worth was never stolen it was just temporarily hidden from your view. Even though you walked through hell if you listen carefully you will hear a beating heart, because no matter how hard they life tried, it couldn't destroy that or take it from you. You are here in this world for a purpose and your strength is that of so very few. Your life, story and courage inspires me.  If there was only one thing I could tell you to remember, it would be, your voice and story does matter and you are crazy loved. Your life is powerful probably more than you can imagine or dream up today. So as you sit reading this, I pray for strength and courage to surround your heart and that your worth will be evident and transparent for you to see. I don't know you or your story but I know your struggles and the lies you have been taught to believe. The ones that have been on repeat your entire life running wild in your head. I am so sorry so much was taken from you and your worth temporarily hidden from view but, you are amazing and that is completely true. I always knew I had more to give but playing small was a safer way for me to live. So I chose to play it safe and keep people at arms length, it worked but was I living? I thought so, until one day when a complete stranger spoke truth into my soul.  What she said that day changed my life. She spoke truth and value in a way my heart could hear. Her courage changed me and it is scary to think where I would be if she would not have chosen to love and speak such powerful words of truth over me. what an injustice that would be to live your life holding so tightly to the gifts God has given you to use in this world because of fear. We all have gifts and talents and not using them to make this world better is heartbreaking to say the least. I need what you have to give, the world needs you to chose to live . If I could look you in the eyes, my three words to you would be, " You have Worth".  I pray you see that today because the world is waiting for what you have to offer.

Choose Love

Every one of us gets through the tough times because somebody is there, standing in the gap to close it for us.” - Oprah Winfrey

I don't know about you, but I've  had several of these amazing people at different times in my life. These people they are there and probably don't even know thay they are changing your life for the better.  These amazing people that even years later, still hold a very special spot in your heart. I've had some present from birth, some from my childhood and even some that have came and gone. Each one had a purpose and helped me through some of my darkest days.
I have had the people that have always been with me, people like my parents, sibling, cousins and aunts. The ones that have always know me and loved me unconditional through it all. Some friends and family that came into my life by choice. I have a sister in law, that even before we were family, she would walk with me after all my counseling appointments just because she knew I needed someone to talk to. A teacher that listened to me and had an amazing way of understanding and making me feel loved. Friends that came along before I knew I had much to give back in return. A husband that chose to love me unconditionally and marry me even when I still had so many open wounds, that at the time had not been healed. I was very blessed to have so many people that loved me. God knew just who I needed and when I needed them. They all played an important role in helping me find my own worth. So remember, you never know what one person is facing and what trial they are currently enduring through. So give grace, love and two open ears to each other. You might just be that person,  the one that helps another person in finding and seeing their own worth and potential. It's not always an obvious thing, sometimes loving someone can be hard and not very fun, but loving someone is always worth it. I know, because I am forever grateful to the ones that have given love out so freely to me.

Hospice, Sexual Abuse and the Survivors last days.

"Guest post written by a Hospice Care Giver which happens to be a very close friend. Her stories bring to light how long people carry the hurt and burdens of Childhood Sexual Abuse."

I have been blessed with the unique privilege of helping care for terminally ill patients in their last weeks of life.  I'm a hospice care giver and I LOVE my job!! I am always grateful to my patients and their families for allowing me to be a part of one of the most intimate experiences they will go through.  When they are admitted to our facility, we are complete strangers to each other, but very quickly we are thrust in to circumstances that don't allow for getting to know yous or trust building.  There have been many things that have surprised me in the 3 years that I've been doing this.  These surprises range from the resolve and courage that the patients exude, to the how the amount of peace a patient has found will translate to the way their final days will go. 

The patients I care for come from all walks of life, all types of experiences, and have all types of histories.  When a patient has a history of abuse, even if they have found closure, healing, and forgiveness, it inevitably creeps back up when they are on their death bed.  Abuse, physical or sexual, impacts a patient's ability to let a caregiver actually care for them.  Bathing, repositioning, not to mention other medically required procedures, all become moments filled with anxiety, and sometimes fear.  I have had women, after years of therapy, happy marriages, and positive experiences as a mother, become focused on their history of abuse.  At times, It will consume their thoughts and conversations and if they have not been able to forgive their abuser, that plagues them as well.  I have had some who tremble in fear when we need to bathe them or dress them. 

Abusers probably don't care how much of an impact their actions have on their victims; their inappropriate acts linger far beyond therapy sessions, years of healing, or years of perfecting the art of disassociation.  An abuser's acts will surface at a time when a patient must face all that has occurred in their life and come to terms with it.  An abuser's acts will sometimes be part of the last thing a patient speaks or expresses to family members. An abuser's acts will invoke fear in an adult who may have thought they put those emotions, those nightmares behind them. 

The impact of abuse is far reaching and sometimes in ways that we would least expect.  Three years later, I still encounter situations where my patient is robbed of their peace and their right to pass away surrounded by only good memories because of what an abuser did in their past. 

What The Ticket means to me

To me The Ticket is so much more than a 32 page children's book. What I see in the words, is the heart of abuse and the fear and courage that comes through it. It gives hope, where there is very little. It opens the heart of a child in need and communicates to a large group of people, young and old. This  group if given the chance, would surely not be part of this group that is rapidly growing daily, but they would never want to not be part of the solution.  There is a unspoken hurt that is shared, it is seen in each others eyes. The Ticket isn't just words or pictures of sexual abuse. It was written with the passion to end abuse. To give victims their first voice, and to say I understand your pain and I am here to lend my heart, voice and ear to help you see your worth. The Ticket isn't  just a book to me that deals with sexual abuse, it was written from my soul and my own deep desire to end this horrible epidemic. I want the few people that haven't been affected by abuse to know how real it is, and the adults that are still carrying that burden alone, to feel safe to release it. Mostly I just want every child that is facing abuse now to have their Ticket out Today, not in ten years or as an adult but this very moment.

Through Her Eyes

Anyone will hurt for a child that's been sexual abused and we all do. But for us, that have also been sexually abused ourselves, we don't just hurt for them, we hurt with them. When hearing their story,  we instantly will physically feel their pain and the devastating shame that goes along with abuse. Its a instant burden we then carry along with them.  No matter how far through the healing journey we have walked. There is  no time or distance that can separate our memories from that pain. I recently had a humbling encounter with a young girl that has endured horrific pain and torment at the hands of a abuser. Her pain, so raw and wounds so freshly opened, that my heart physically hurt and many nights I  lost sleep thinking of this amazing child and her beautiful eyes. Those eyes that told her story with no words needing to be spoken. That same pain I felt in that room, while talking with this young survivor, is the same pain that drives me to bring awareness to this secret awful epidemic . I don't have all the answers or know just how completely yet,  but through many voices and lots of tears, day  by day and child by child, abuse will have a voice and that voice will say enough and people will start to listen.

Boundaries

The truth of the matter is, boundaries are important and essential. We need all different kinds of boundaries for different individual in our life.These people dictate what degree is needed for them in our lives. We just need to tweak each boundary to keep it healthy and we must constantly reevaluate our boundaries. Some people are respectful of our limits and don't push passed whats been set. So using a nice white picket fence is expectable and honestly most desirable. Other's see a small hole in our fence and dig their way under. Or the other's will do any and everything to come over our fence without our permission. Thats when the six foot tall, brick wall, topped with barbed wire and a loud siren will come in handy. So its hard and scary at times to set limits but for any healthy relationship there must be healthy boundaries in place. People that have came from an abusive childhood never had healthy boundaries set or taught. So as these children grow to teens and adults they struggle to set up healthy boundaries and have to learn what should had been instilled as a young child. Rememeber any steps we take towards health is a step further from our past.

Bright Future's are promised

Memories have the power to remind us that our past was real, but His word tells us we have a awesome future! We need to remember when those triggers happen in our life today, that our past is just that and it does not define us or dictate where or who holds our future. The bible clearly says in Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares The Lord , 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.'" I know that can be hard to fully believe and trust, but we need to allow that to penetrate our hearts as truth. I know many people (that mean absolutely no harm) who say things such as " God allowed this to happen." I believe very differently. I believe God gives us all free will; and our predators used their freedom very wrongly. One thing I do know without a doubt, is God WILL use our past hurts to help others in healing and strengthening ways. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50-20.

There is freedom beyond abuse and beyond the many memories we still can carry with us daily. God places people in our lives to help carry our burdens and to lend a shoulder when it's needed! Take advantage of the healthy, and safe, people in your life and let them be part of your healing journey. Most of all, smile! Knowing you are one of the strongest, and rare, that is still not only standing, but choosing to heal and come out better with a bright future.

Family Secret's

A lot of people who have been sexually abused are part of a family secret that is many decades old. This is a dirty secret that is passed down from generation to generation and usually, without words spoken, the family teaches one another through their lack of actions, that it is normal and secrets are meant to be kept. I believe just the opposite; anything that is kept a secret is not a healthy family tradition to pass down. When we grow up keeping secrets, eventually lies become who we are. When we expose secrets, we become transparent, real and we carry a much lighter load on our shoulders. Exposing the secrets will cause pain, perhaps rejection from family and many hurtful words will be spoken, but in the end you will find beauty, freedom and a stronger family core to the ones that choose to stick around in order to heal.

Press Release from BMH books

Over at BMH books and Publishing they did an interview of me regarding The Ticket. If you would like to read about what they had to say regarding The Ticket please go to 
www.fgbcworld-blog.com

Courage

Courage, what is it, who possesses it, and how do we attain it?

I have heard people say, "that man was born with courage" and have seen things such as a father trying to teach his son to be courageous. So are we born with it, or can it be taught?

Over the past week, fear has somehow crept back into my life; fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of opening my past back up, and fear of remembering. This past Sunday at church fear engulfed me. It had me playing the "what if" game. All of a sudden I felt exposed, vulnerable, and honestly, scared.

I believed I had walked through the healing process of my past, felt I had dealt with it and accepted it. I was ready to be a voice, to help others out of the horrific shame and torment of sexual abuse. I could hear that old familiar voice filling my head with lies. 

Then on Monday night I was invited over to some very close friends' house for dinner. That night our kids played, we ate, and had a chance to talk. It is amazing what talking out loud can do for one's soul. It exposes the lies instead of keeping them locked up in our heads where soon they will penetrate our hearts if left unresolved. 

So for me, courage is something that is achieved by those who choose to not give up and choose to continue on. Even when fear is screaming to do just the opposite. In every person there is a burden. A burden so strong it pulls at thier soul. For some it is to teach, others to go on mission trips or to be a doctor, etc. For me that burden is to look into the eyes of children that have had their innocence stolen and tell them they are beautiful. That if they feel the world has left and abandoned them to make it known that God has made them for wonderful things and that they have never forgotten.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" ~ Winston Churchill

Waiting and Blessed

Waiting, that is what this lady is doing. I spoke today to my publisher, who reassured me, that The Ticket would be available for purchase sometime this week. It will be available through their web page, Trafford.com. It will then go "live" to other retailers within two weeks from the date that is available on Trafford.com. So please know, I too, am patiently waiting to being able to hold a hard copy of this dream in my hands. This is the hardest part;  knowing The Ticket is all done but, still waiting.  Through The Ticket, some pretty cool things have already happened. I had the opportunity to go to the Arizona Supreme Court and speak with some phenomenal people regarding sexual abuse and how The Ticket can be used as a tool in helping children out of sexual abuse. I also talked with them about how to make sure the book is available for every child to have access to. Amazing! That word doesn't even come close to describe what wonderful  people we have working at the Supreme Court of Arizona, or how big their hearts are for children.   Please continue to share Graciesticket.com with any teachers, pediatricians, counselors, and caregivers that you may know. Anyone that is a constant person in children's lives. "Because every child deserves a ticket out!"

Meet Gracie

Meet Gracie, she is from the new children's book The Ticket. Gracie was a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of The Man, who was a very close and trusted person in her life. Gracie came in contact with The Ticket which gave her means to safely reach out for help. It's now her dream to make it possible for The Ticket to reach all children of sexual abuse and give them means to become free! The Ticket will be available for purchase in the next few weeks.

A quote to remember

The thing that will determine the long term consequences of abuse is not just the trauma itself, but how trusted people respond to the discovery of that abuse! SO, if trusted people SUPPORT that person the long term consequences are much better than if they DENY the harm. While you may think that the victim's parents and siblings would be the one most likely to breathe in life to her, sadly, they are often the very ones that suck the life right out of her. ~Nicole Braddock Bromley~

How do we view ourselves?

Do you believe that God has more for you than what you feel you deserve? I know I haven’t always believed that. Growing up, I was the one that always had low self esteem;  I would lie, hide behind a tough exterior, and I would do stuff I didn't really want to do. I did all of this as an attempt to be liked. I was constantly the first person to insult myself; whether about my past, my education level, my parenting style, you name it I would demean myself in that area. I believe I did that to protect myself. If I insulted myself first, I would beat others to the punch. Over the past year I have became very aware of this issue; I am more confident about myself then I tend to let on. I really am a confident parent.  I know I love to write and have a lot to give. Sometimes, I think we desire to hide within our past to be safe.  The past can be a very comfortable place to reside. The past is where we all have made mistakes and where we already know what the outcomes are. The present can be scary. The present is like jumping out of a plane. You have to have faith that the parachute will work and as you land, your legs will be strong enough to hold up. As I become more of who God made me to be, I also become more in love with Him for patiently waiting for me to see myself as He sees me. God has plans for all of us.  For those of us that have been abused it was not His will for it to happen. I believe He gave us all free will and our predators used their freedom very wrongly .He was weeping alongside of us.  He will use our pains to help others.  He will give us a voice that was stolen from us and will be our biggest supporter. The pain I went through was not in vain and that, for me today, is the most amazing, heart wrenching feeling I have ever experienced. I am learning that we can’t rush healing. The journey Jesus takes us on is all part of that healing and we must learn to enjoy every victory; learn from every sorrow.