It’s okay to be rude too.

 Every morning for as long as I can remember. Right before my elementary kids head out the door for school. I pray with them. After we pray, I say, “remember who you are” and they yell back, “and who’s you are” I then say, “if you see someone that looks lonely or sad,” they respond back, “make them smile.” 

 Our children are kind, empathetic and they know right from wrong. They see people and love them just as they are. They are great kids and I’m so proud of who they are. 

 They all know “their body their choice.” We don’t make them hug or kiss anyone they don’t want too, including us. They know if any person touches them inappropriately or physically hurts them. They can tell us and without question or hesitation we will fully believe them and take full and unapologetic actions against that person. I’m so thankful for that too. 

Something I recently realized I haven’t done the best as their mom though. I focused more on the large things, the big things, the life shattering things that adults should NEVER do.  I also focused on my children respecting adults, loving others, and obeying authority, but there is a piece missing that comes at a cost. I had to relearn and am now reteaching my children every day. IT’S OKAY TO BE RUDE too! Not every adult deserves our children’s full kindness. Sometimes adults need to be called out, placed outside of their circle or reminded what behavior is acceptable and what is not and children can be rude too. I remind and show my children more often now that if what someone is doing makes them uncomfortable or wasn’t kind, they can speak up, even on the subtle and seemingly small things, because adults need to be held accountable too. I am constantly learning and readjusting my own world to better theirs and this lesson was needed even if it was a little painful as their mama to watch them navigate through. Everyday before my children walk out the door. I still pray with them. I remind them who they are and to look for the lonely or sad faces and help bring a smile to them and lastly, as I hug them, I say,  “and sometimes,” and they yell back, “it’s okay to be rude.” May we all raise kind, empathetic, loving children, that also know, it’s okay to be rude. 

Believing the child

Three. That is how many adults I told I was being sexually abused at different times in my childhood and into my teenage years. Three very caring adults were given a life changing ability unknowingly placed in their laps. What they did or didn't do with that information could be for many reason and today I am not concerned with why they didn't, I am more concerned with how can we change this? How can we make sure that every child that discloses sexual abuse will be believed, will be taken seriously and hopefully removed forever from the abuser/s. 

Step one. Go to the child's level, look him/her in the eyes and with your softest and kindest eyes tell them you are so proud of them and that YOU will help them. Tell them you believe them,  remember the child's head is filled with their abuser's lies, start changing that. Tell them YOU will do everything in your power to never let this happen to them again. They trust YOU, stay with them for as long as you can, you are safe to them. 

Step two. Believe the child NO matter what this child acts like or how they behave in the daily life. No matter what, believe them. One percent of children have been shown to be lying and out of that 1% they often find there is still some truth in the child's 'lie'. 

Step three. Be brave. Choose to fight all your own fears and doubts and think how MUCH courage it took for this child to tell you. They chose you for a reason. Be brave for them. They need you. 

Step four. Often the abuser/s are living with the child, tread lightly with who you call first. My suggestion is call authorities first and allow them to figure it all out for the child and their safety. 

Step five. Thank you! 

"The thing that will determine the long term consequences of abuse is not just the trauma itself, but how trusted people respond to the discovery of that abuse! SO, if trusted people SUPPORT that person the long term consequences are much better than if they DENY the harm. While you may think that the victim's parents and siblings would be the one most likely to breathe in life to her, sadly, they are often the very ones that suck the life right out of her". ~ @Nicole_Bromley

Dear......

This scene plays over in my head. I was walking in, as you were walking out. All I wanted was to run in, grab a snack and fill up my car with gasoline. We touched, your left shoulder actually rubbed against my right side, that’s how close we were. I gasped for air as our eyes met, my breathing slowed down, it may have even completely stopped. My heart was racing. You looked so different to me, you seemed weaker, smaller and so much older, as my eyes quickly looked over you and examined your face. I waited and expected to see anger and rage spewing out from every pour of your body. But there was something different about your eyes, they had changed, they had a brokenness about them. I pulled my head up with a little bit more confidence and my eyes seemed to soften as if I was looking into what seemed like the eyes of your heart. Less fear consumed me than I ever would have imagined in such a moment like that while instead more empathy and sadness seemed to take over. I knew what your eyes where saying, I felt it, I know you and those eyes. Those eyes looked at me for so many years and in so many different ways, but never like this. I looked at you and with me saying no words and I said what I felt was needed to be said, “I forgive you.” You almost had to hold your breath in that moment it seemed. I think it was more then you were prepared for. As fast as it had started, it ended, you continued to walk out, as I walked in but, we both turned once more and then it was over and I woke up. Yes, this was all just a dream but this dream has been on repeat for several months. I wonder why I am dreaming of this encounter over and over, why do your eyes bring such brokenness to me instead of fear or anger? For the last 15 years I have wanted a face to face with you, a moment where you would confess and a moment I could scream, cry and throw any and everything near me at your face and then only after every ounce of me was exhausted, I would say the words out loud, ”I forgive you” as I walked away with what I had always told myself would be peace. But really would it be? Would that be enough after you confessed your heart to me of the sins you committed? Would I be at peace with saying nothing more? See, I know me, I know my heart and I wouldn’t be, maybe it’s a character flaw, maybe it’s not, maybe it’s part of Gods heart in me, I am sure some people would have opinions if it is healthy or not, but I would want the chance to tell you a little bit more. I would want to tell you that I forgive you, but really in the scheme of life and death, my forgiveness doesn’t count for very much. But there is forgiveness that counts for everything, The forgiveness that comes from God that is really all that will matter one day and He is willing and waiting to extend it to you. 

Dammit, I really hate what you did, what you caused, what you took away and I am sure God is/was pretty broken over it too, but that’s where He is so different. He will never turn his love off on us ever, not even on you. Go ahead and try him, confess to him and let him work on your heart because, even men like you, deserve to know that kind of love. I don’t think anyone should live life in turmoil or have their life come to an end without knowing the changing power and love of Christ. You knowing him would mean us sharing heaven together, but I think I could do that and the only reason I know I can say that honesty is because of Jesus. If you allowed him to come in and work on your heart, the man you were and perhaps still are, would be gone in an instant, he makes all things new. Yes, God is really that good, he can turn a child abuser into a forgiven saint. How, I haven't a clue, because to me it seems impossible, but somehow I know it’s not. 

Your days are numbered, as are mine and obviously it’s your choice, but you don’t have to live this next and probably last chapter of your life in such a state of brokenness, but instead you could choose to be more and make you life matter for something really good. 

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all our unrighteousness

Confidential?

During the trial to my abuser my therapist at the time, accidentally faxed my complete file from her office to his attorney. Every note, all the words I said along with the private details of how I was truly handling everything were all sent for him to read. I never found out if they were read or not by him but the thought at the time paralyzed me in fear and shame. I couldn’t bare the thought of him reading it or for that matter that anyone was reading such a private thing and now it was out and potentially in his hands. 

At the time I was still under his control, I still didn’t want to let him down and my heart was not ready to believe what my brain already knew, that his love always had an ulterior motive. His caring was just a tool for manipulation and I still wanted to blame other people for the pain he had caused because accepting him for who he truly was would take time. The idea that my heart, which had just started to be honest and real was exposed for him and others to read was nothing less than HEARTBREAKING! 

It has been eleven years this past October since the trial and when my heart, my fears and own guilt were exposed in that fax. I know I will probably never get a chance to sit down and talk with my abuser face to face in order to share my heart and to extend my forgiveness to him and that is something I have come to terms with. Staying silent in order to not upset, stir or move peoples emotions can be so tempting and easy especially for me at times. Even today I have no desire to hurt or cause pain to my abuser and never have. My heart eleven years ago was unhealthy and my motive for not wanting my story or words shared was due to fear and an unhealed broken heart. Today, I try to openly share my story and encourage others to share their truth because of the healing that comes from it. Secrets have power and when we stay silent we are keeping another persons lie and allowing it to have truth. My voice still shakes and my heart still races at times when sharing my past with people but just Imagine if sharing your deepest hurts could keep anther person from experiencing the same unimaginable pain. Or, your story could educate just one parent, teacher or care giver of the silent epidemic of childhood sexual abuse in order for them to stop it in the life of just one child. What if? How amazing would that be? Your words being able to stop a child from enduring the hell you were forced to endure. We need to remember that darkness can’t survive when light is present and secrets exposed are forced to shine a light on the truth. Our stories, all of them when shared could change this world or at least the life of one but isn’t that one worth it? 

Confidence

Has the word "No" lost its value? I personally don't think the over use has changed the value of our no, at least not to most people. I do however think many children don’t believe their no has any value.

 I never said no to my abuser, not even once. In fact, I never said a word during the abuse that I can recall. I think the lack of words on my part caused me to further believe his overpowering lies. Even if I had said the word no, would such a tiny word have even stopped him? If ever there was going to be something that would provoked a moral change in him to stop, I am certain the look on my face was all the no he would have ever needed.  How many children do you think are not using the word no because of lack of self worth while self doubting it has any real power? Being taught as a child to say no probably wouldn’t have changed my outcome, cowards don’t usually care about the words of a child they are sexually abusing. What I do think is a powerful tool is filling our children so full of self worth, self esteem and truth that it's overflowing and seeping out of every pour of their being, now, that I believe is a way to end sexual abuse. Words have very little value to predators but the confident child that knows their worth is a very scary target. 

Simple reminders

This is my daughter, writing her own "book," is there a sweeter compliment than your child desiring to be like you? This picture is a kind reminder that even though my voice at times has shaken, choosing to stay silent could never have been an option and facing my past in order to heal was worth it all. I love reminders that God really does turn beauty from ashes, while turning our messes into messages and our trials into God size triumphs.

You can change the world by helping a child

There are a lot of broken adults walking around today from the abuse they suffered as a child in silence. If we do not become a society that is a safer place to release these secrets, there will be many more broken adults to come. We need to learn to see the red flags, the broken spirits, the lingering affects and scars that so many children are walking around with today.  If we start helping the broken and voiceless children today, we will see hope and health in them tomorrow. It does't take a super hero to be this person. This person is YOU, the teacher, the coach, the church family, the neighbor, the nurse, YOU. We all need to start seeing and believing that childhood sexual abuse is real and that we at this vary moment already know a child or even more, that is currently being sexually abused. Stop and absorb that truth. If you know more then 6 children, statistically then, you already know a child right now that is being sexually abused. Will you be their ticket out? Will you see the signs? This child that is being abused, doesn't have a red sign around their neck but we were all born with a intuition, that gut feeling, the one we turn off and sometimes ignore, don't. We need to see with our eyes more and listen to our hearts more. Imagine a neighborhood, a school, a church, a city, all full of heroes being a voice for the voiceless. This is possible and something that is tangible and in reach. I believe it, do you? 

Why I hate labels and want them out of my vocabulary.

Labels and how they affect us has been laid on my heart the past few days. The labels that were placed on us as children and even still as we become adults, and how we usually live up to what we are labeled. Most of my labels came from Dr's and some teachers. I could go through and use most the letters in the alphabet with all the abbreviations of "things" that were placed on me as wrong or not normal. Most of us don't even realize we label our children or put groups of people in labeled boxes. We like to label people in our culture, I think we do it to help us gage what we think is normal and to make us feel more normal. You know, the normal we as people have deemed as how one should be, act and live. It's a tiny box, one that most don't fit into, yet we try very hard to push and squeeze ourselves till we fit. When we are labeled damaged goods,victim, misfit or a misbehaved child, we tend to act the way society labels us. I have a new proposal. Lets rip away the labels, the ones placed on us by society, the medical community, our parents, teachers, friends and even ourselves. Lets put on a new image, the one that was placed there from the beginning from the one that created us. We were all made and formed perfectly not a mistake was made when forming Each of us. Psalm 139:13: You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. God doesn't mess up! When one of us is abused we feel we are damaged but thats not truth.  We are His masterpiece, His beloved, His creation.  Now, if you are one that must do labels those last three are for you!

A letter to survivors

Your past doesn't hold your value and your worth was never stolen it was just temporarily hidden from your view. Even though you walked through hell if you listen carefully you will hear a beating heart, because no matter how hard they life tried, it couldn't destroy that or take it from you. You are here in this world for a purpose and your strength is that of so very few. Your life, story and courage inspires me.  If there was only one thing I could tell you to remember, it would be, your voice and story does matter and you are crazy loved. Your life is powerful probably more than you can imagine or dream up today. So as you sit reading this, I pray for strength and courage to surround your heart and that your worth will be evident and transparent for you to see. I don't know you or your story but I know your struggles and the lies you have been taught to believe. The ones that have been on repeat your entire life running wild in your head. I am so sorry so much was taken from you and your worth temporarily hidden from view but, you are amazing and that is completely true. I always knew I had more to give but playing small was a safer way for me to live. So I chose to play it safe and keep people at arms length, it worked but was I living? I thought so, until one day when a complete stranger spoke truth into my soul.  What she said that day changed my life. She spoke truth and value in a way my heart could hear. Her courage changed me and it is scary to think where I would be if she would not have chosen to love and speak such powerful words of truth over me. what an injustice that would be to live your life holding so tightly to the gifts God has given you to use in this world because of fear. We all have gifts and talents and not using them to make this world better is heartbreaking to say the least. I need what you have to give, the world needs you to chose to live . If I could look you in the eyes, my three words to you would be, " You have Worth".  I pray you see that today because the world is waiting for what you have to offer.

Hospice, Sexual Abuse and the Survivors last days.

"Guest post written by a Hospice Care Giver which happens to be a very close friend. Her stories bring to light how long people carry the hurt and burdens of Childhood Sexual Abuse."

I have been blessed with the unique privilege of helping care for terminally ill patients in their last weeks of life.  I'm a hospice care giver and I LOVE my job!! I am always grateful to my patients and their families for allowing me to be a part of one of the most intimate experiences they will go through.  When they are admitted to our facility, we are complete strangers to each other, but very quickly we are thrust in to circumstances that don't allow for getting to know yous or trust building.  There have been many things that have surprised me in the 3 years that I've been doing this.  These surprises range from the resolve and courage that the patients exude, to the how the amount of peace a patient has found will translate to the way their final days will go. 

The patients I care for come from all walks of life, all types of experiences, and have all types of histories.  When a patient has a history of abuse, even if they have found closure, healing, and forgiveness, it inevitably creeps back up when they are on their death bed.  Abuse, physical or sexual, impacts a patient's ability to let a caregiver actually care for them.  Bathing, repositioning, not to mention other medically required procedures, all become moments filled with anxiety, and sometimes fear.  I have had women, after years of therapy, happy marriages, and positive experiences as a mother, become focused on their history of abuse.  At times, It will consume their thoughts and conversations and if they have not been able to forgive their abuser, that plagues them as well.  I have had some who tremble in fear when we need to bathe them or dress them. 

Abusers probably don't care how much of an impact their actions have on their victims; their inappropriate acts linger far beyond therapy sessions, years of healing, or years of perfecting the art of disassociation.  An abuser's acts will surface at a time when a patient must face all that has occurred in their life and come to terms with it.  An abuser's acts will sometimes be part of the last thing a patient speaks or expresses to family members. An abuser's acts will invoke fear in an adult who may have thought they put those emotions, those nightmares behind them. 

The impact of abuse is far reaching and sometimes in ways that we would least expect.  Three years later, I still encounter situations where my patient is robbed of their peace and their right to pass away surrounded by only good memories because of what an abuser did in their past. 

Book Giveaway

I have three copies of The Ticket, that I would love to give away.  I would love to hear why and or who you would like this book for in your life.  My heart is to see The Ticket get into the hands of a child that is in need of a Ticket out or just open a conversation between a parent and a child about Sexual Abuse.  Or maybe you are a teacher that would love a book in your classroom.  So please send me a message/comment on Facebook or email me at Nicole@Graciesticket.Com with this information.  Please share this info with others in your life. I will chose three people and send them a copy this week. 

Red Flags

Are you aware that 90% of children personally know and trust their abuser! These man and women are good at gaining our children's and even our own trust. This process is commonly referred to as grooming.  To the naked eye, it can seem like nothing more than a caring and helpful adult.  So, how can we tell the difference between a healthy, caring, adult and one that has motives to hurt our little ones? There are red flags and when we see them or our guts say "something just doesn't seem right" we must act on that. We can't just pass the problem on to someone else, in the hopes to clean our hands and conscience of what we see and feel as inappropriate. Some of the red flags are as following:

- Someone continually disregarding to let your child set boundaries. Boundaries and limits are there for a purpose. The person with corrupt intentions will consistently test those limits.

-An adult that seem preoccupied with a children "source Oprah.com"

-Adults who seem to engage in frequent contact with children, i.e., casual touching, caressing, wrestling, tickling, combing hair or having children sit on their lap.  "source Oprah.com"

-Adults who act like children when with children or who allow children to do questionable or inappropriate things.  "source Oprah.com"

-Adults who want to take your children on special outings too frequently or plan activities that would include being alone with your child.  "source Oprah.com"

-Adults who do not have children and seem to know too much about the current fads or music popular with children.  "source Oprah.com"

-Adults that your children seem to like for reasons you don't understand.  "source Oprah.com"

-Adults who seem able to infiltrate family and social functions or are "always available" to watch your kids.  "source Oprah.com"

These are just some common red flags to help us identify where a child maybe in harms way. We must not become jaded or paranoid that all good deeds have a motive but if your gut and heart do not feel right, ACT!

What The Ticket means to me

To me The Ticket is so much more than a 32 page children's book. What I see in the words, is the heart of abuse and the fear and courage that comes through it. It gives hope, where there is very little. It opens the heart of a child in need and communicates to a large group of people, young and old. This  group if given the chance, would surely not be part of this group that is rapidly growing daily, but they would never want to not be part of the solution.  There is a unspoken hurt that is shared, it is seen in each others eyes. The Ticket isn't just words or pictures of sexual abuse. It was written with the passion to end abuse. To give victims their first voice, and to say I understand your pain and I am here to lend my heart, voice and ear to help you see your worth. The Ticket isn't  just a book to me that deals with sexual abuse, it was written from my soul and my own deep desire to end this horrible epidemic. I want the few people that haven't been affected by abuse to know how real it is, and the adults that are still carrying that burden alone, to feel safe to release it. Mostly I just want every child that is facing abuse now to have their Ticket out Today, not in ten years or as an adult but this very moment.

Courage is contagious

(Guest post written by Shaney with who was my ticket out of abuse, and for me the strongest and most inspiring survivor I know. Her story, strength and courage is contagious!)

It's been a long 28 years of life for this young women. 15 years of complete terror, 8 years of horror, and another 5 years of bliss. Let's see what exactly defines terror?Well Webster says 1 : a state of intense fear. But what exactly is fear? Fear is defined as 1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. That's exactly the way I remember those years of terror... Full of fear of what may or may not happen next. As children we need stability to trust that what may happen next will not harm us. Without it we have instability or terror. As a child I dreamed of a home without terror. Not a large luxurious home but a home that was safe. Let's imagine life without ever being safe for just a second. A life that was spent day and night with fear. It's almost unimaginable. Safety is defined as 1 : free from harm or risk. Now I know a child should not have to dream of such things as safety. Safety should not be a luxury but it should be freely given to every child. But in those 15 years of my life of terror safety was a only a dream. When a child dreams it gives them hope. Hope is defined as 1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation. A child has the truest feelings of hope. They can cherish there dreams and also expect them to come true. As we grow older we lose that innocence. I almost believe that as we get older we all lose a little hope each day.
So how did I learn to have hope again? Through God! I found the one thing that is safe. In other words
I had found my dream! So you ask what's the 8 years of horror, right? Horror is defined as 1. an overwhelming and painful feeling caused by something frightfully shocking, terrifying, or revolting. So I had found this amazing place where I could feel safe, but not from myself! The horror was now within me. So for 8 years I lived with the feeling of horror that was caused by, ME. It's easy to blame someone else for everything that has happened and stay locked in horror forever! So you ask how did I make it from horror to bliss! I forgave myself. I admitted that the problem was within me and moved on. With that one safe place and forgiveness we have BLISS

Through Her Eyes

Anyone will hurt for a child that's been sexual abused and we all do. But for us, that have also been sexually abused ourselves, we don't just hurt for them, we hurt with them. When hearing their story,  we instantly will physically feel their pain and the devastating shame that goes along with abuse. Its a instant burden we then carry along with them.  No matter how far through the healing journey we have walked. There is  no time or distance that can separate our memories from that pain. I recently had a humbling encounter with a young girl that has endured horrific pain and torment at the hands of a abuser. Her pain, so raw and wounds so freshly opened, that my heart physically hurt and many nights I  lost sleep thinking of this amazing child and her beautiful eyes. Those eyes that told her story with no words needing to be spoken. That same pain I felt in that room, while talking with this young survivor, is the same pain that drives me to bring awareness to this secret awful epidemic . I don't have all the answers or know just how completely yet,  but through many voices and lots of tears, day  by day and child by child, abuse will have a voice and that voice will say enough and people will start to listen.

Boundaries

The truth of the matter is, boundaries are important and essential. We need all different kinds of boundaries for different individual in our life.These people dictate what degree is needed for them in our lives. We just need to tweak each boundary to keep it healthy and we must constantly reevaluate our boundaries. Some people are respectful of our limits and don't push passed whats been set. So using a nice white picket fence is expectable and honestly most desirable. Other's see a small hole in our fence and dig their way under. Or the other's will do any and everything to come over our fence without our permission. Thats when the six foot tall, brick wall, topped with barbed wire and a loud siren will come in handy. So its hard and scary at times to set limits but for any healthy relationship there must be healthy boundaries in place. People that have came from an abusive childhood never had healthy boundaries set or taught. So as these children grow to teens and adults they struggle to set up healthy boundaries and have to learn what should had been instilled as a young child. Rememeber any steps we take towards health is a step further from our past.

Let your light shine!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. – Nelson Mandela

Bright Future's are promised

Memories have the power to remind us that our past was real, but His word tells us we have a awesome future! We need to remember when those triggers happen in our life today, that our past is just that and it does not define us or dictate where or who holds our future. The bible clearly says in Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares The Lord , 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.'" I know that can be hard to fully believe and trust, but we need to allow that to penetrate our hearts as truth. I know many people (that mean absolutely no harm) who say things such as " God allowed this to happen." I believe very differently. I believe God gives us all free will; and our predators used their freedom very wrongly. One thing I do know without a doubt, is God WILL use our past hurts to help others in healing and strengthening ways. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50-20.

There is freedom beyond abuse and beyond the many memories we still can carry with us daily. God places people in our lives to help carry our burdens and to lend a shoulder when it's needed! Take advantage of the healthy, and safe, people in your life and let them be part of your healing journey. Most of all, smile! Knowing you are one of the strongest, and rare, that is still not only standing, but choosing to heal and come out better with a bright future.

What parents need to know about Child Sexual Abuse

What Parents Need to Know About Child Sexual Abuse 1. Talking to your child before an assault happens is the best prevention: Children are best protected by giving them the knowledge and skills necessary for their safety. Let your child know that safety rules apply to all adults including family members. Encourage your child to tell someone about secrets that are making her/him feel bad. Let your child know that you are available to talk and listen. Allow your child to share thoughts and listen closely to what they are telling you. Help your child understand who they can trust. Talk with your child about this and listen to their input. Tell your child that if someone touches her/him to tell and keep telling until someone listens. Instilling a sense of strong self-esteem in your child may help your child avoid feelings of responsibility and guilt if they are victimized. Open sexual communication at home can make it easier for children to disclose sexual abuse by minimizing discomfort. A child is never to blame for the abuse. Children cannot prevent abuse, only the offender can. 2. Knowing perpetrator tactics and how a child may react can help you detect sexual abuse: Offenders may threaten to hurt the child or a family member of the child if they tell anyone about the abuse. This is common regardless of whether the perpetrator is a family member, friend, acquaintance or stranger. A child often feels that she/he is to blame for the abuse. The offender may reinforce this by using guilt tactics on the child. Offenders often follow up abusive incidents with treats or gifts for the child. This is very confusing for the child and may make her/him feel guilty for accepting the gifts and/or for feeling bad about the abuse. Be aware if your child talks a lot about a particular adult or older person. Be aware of individuals (family member, friend, neighbor) who spend an inordinate amount of time with your child. It is common for a child to deny that abuse happened when it did or tell about the abuse and then recant their original statement. There is little evidence that children make false allegations of abuse. 3. Responding appropriately when your child is victimized can make all the different in her/his healing process: If you think abuse is going on, act on that feeling or instinct. Believe your child when they tell. Don't force a child to talk or stop talking about the abuse. Allow them to go at their own pace. Be patient. Remind your child how strong she/he was for telling about the abuse. Getting your child involved with a support group of peer survivors can help eliminate feelings of isolation. Get support for you and your child, this is a very difficult issue for any one person to handle.--(Info taken fromCity of Lakewood Colorado webpage)

Family Secret's

A lot of people who have been sexually abused are part of a family secret that is many decades old. This is a dirty secret that is passed down from generation to generation and usually, without words spoken, the family teaches one another through their lack of actions, that it is normal and secrets are meant to be kept. I believe just the opposite; anything that is kept a secret is not a healthy family tradition to pass down. When we grow up keeping secrets, eventually lies become who we are. When we expose secrets, we become transparent, real and we carry a much lighter load on our shoulders. Exposing the secrets will cause pain, perhaps rejection from family and many hurtful words will be spoken, but in the end you will find beauty, freedom and a stronger family core to the ones that choose to stick around in order to heal.